One thing I do all too much is dwell in the past. Maybe in hopes to see something I missed or possibly just a way to look into the future. Either way, one thing I have been looking at as I float through my memories is how my choices have affected those around me. I know that if I had the courage and mental strength that I do now I would have been a dangerous kid. For example, I have always believed in protecting people and doing the right thing. Once, I found my little brother tied to a tree outside our babysitter’s place. Her older boys tied him to that tree. He thought it was fun and I found it wrong. So I untied him and told their mother about it. She scolded me for being a tattle-tale. I had no words to defend myself. I went to her because I had no courage to walk up to the boys and stand up for my brother and what is right. Had I the courage I have now, I would have confronted the boy that was a year older than I and tackled him while wrapping the rope around his neck and saying some words in defense. However, had I been that person I would have been most likely banned from that babysitter and missed out on a good friendship with the boy next door.
I view many of the choices I made as weak and cowardly. I know that if I had made different choices or even had different morals many people’s lives would be in different places now. Some of those choices I made were choices of inaction when the choice of action was the clear and better way to go. I may have had more chances at the relationships I wanted or kept some people from harm that occurred. Am I a pusher or a driver? We all have our roles and I know that the choices I made created more than just my future or my path.
At one point in my life I felt that so much happened around my actions that this world wasn’t real and that things happened around me as if a test or an experiment. I felt that the people around me weren’t real and were empty. I used to listen to the air move as each body walked by and how each form in the surrounding would alter the sound (back when my hearing was still better than average).
Now as I look back I can see the reality of choice. I can see how each person does not walk a single path but a series of paths that intersect with others around them. Paths of people they don’t even need to meet or even see. When you see this much, the world seems like a very different place. People moving about a world aimlessly or with misdirected motives while causing ripples upon ripples that the people around them make in this sea we call mankind. A single word can change a foreseen outcome. Even a breath at a different place or time can cause an intersection of paths. A single moment can cause such a large ripple that it can reach far beyond the imagination. Through it all I found that the choice in the end will be to just enjoy the moment’s breath and watch as your actions assist in forming the lives around you.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Delusions
In this desolate land full of “Yes, sir!” and “Roger that.” I am slowly coming to realizations that I have been searching for most of my life. We all ask “Who am I?” more than once in our lifetimes. I, for one, always kept that question firmly planted in my brain. I am unsure whether it was because I was searching for a purpose or just searching for a deeper understanding of myself. One thing that I am sure of is that my life from childhood up has been full of mental instability and issues. I am still working on convincing myself that most of my experiences were delusions and products of a possible chemical imbalance in my brain. It is hard to believe that a mind can fool so many of your senses all at once so well that you trust what your mind is creating as a reality.
At a very young age I saw things and felt things but most often heard things that made me terrified of the dark. I would run from room to room turning off switches at night just so I could chance to be in the light a little longer. I would hear footsteps walking around my bed when there was no one there. I heard voices occasionally. Sometimes they would be but a whisper and others clear speech. I blamed it on ghosts and spirits. I confronted them once because I was sick of running. I actually heard then trip backwards over a backpack when I took a stance at the last switch and said that I was not afraid of them anymore. Through my mind I could see them fall as the noise happened. It is hard to explain something like that.
It was almost impossible to complete my first ACT test because throughout the whole test I could hear hundreds of whispers all around me and one female whisper louder than the rest. Looking around the room I found not a single mouth moving. The female whisper was familiar to me…maybe she was the same one from the house. I thought I heard the last of her when she was attacked in the hallway while I was in the shower. I was home alone. I heard her scream “Jus..!” and then a loud bang in the hallway just outside the bathroom door. That night is the first time I heard the male voice. He spoke from the direction of the window next to my bed. Basically, he told me that if I ever wanted to see her again I was going to have to follow him. His voice was low and harsh. There was something inherently evil about it. I felt like he was punishing us for crossing worlds we were not meant to cross. I heard her often and sometimes would answer back. However, there was nothing I could do since I knew not how to follow or where to go.
I believe that the next time I met her I became the victim. She came through the darkness through the wall like a banshee. I still remember the sight. She said “he is mine” as she came at me. I awoke yet could not breathe and could not move. It was as if she was pulling at my very life. All I could think was to reach over to the girl next to me and squeeze her name from my throat. As I touched my fingers to hers and forced her name through my throat it was as if I was released. That was pretty late in my life and by then often thought if something had happened that I would be strong enough where I didn’t need help. It was then I realized that even a protector needs protection.
Rewind it back to much younger again. As early as elementary school I grew this idea that I had some sway with the elements. More specifically, I believed I could call precipitation and alter fire. From the choir balcony at church I would manipulate the flames on the candles of the altar during service. Eventually, I had a run-in with electricity and then lighting was added to the delusion. I also played tag with dust devils at my grandparent’s house and danced around in the eye of a large dust devil that formed out in the field. I still remember the corn husks and dirt circling me as I spun in the opposite direction as if to play with the wind. I am still trying to convince myself all that I felt and saw with my childhood and adult experiences was a delusion. My memories either fade into dreams or my reality has been skewed my entire life. The thing that makes it harder to convince myself is that some of the experiences were shared. I was not alone in the sight and feelings in many instances. It could have been a flash of light in a dark boiler room at a community play or a storm front met with smiles and laughter. These shared experiences were all at different ages and different points in my life.
One thing most will remember is “Psycho Siegert.” I figure that it all started with a fateful race around the gym in 3rd grade. I was one of the better runners and, much as I am now, very competitive. As we reached one of the corners one my male classmates figured he would cheat to get ahead. He elbowed me and knocked me over. From that day on I ended my friendship with 99% of any boys in my class. I had two girls that called me friend and I stuck with them through the rest of elementary. We were known as the troublesome trio. Once we hit high school friendships changed in a hurry. I lost my two best friends and felt pretty much alone. I had no humor and was weak. There were a few boys that started to bully me and this is where the next self-determined mental issue started. One incident that sticks out clearly in my memory occurred in the hallway in between classed. I was putting some books into my locker when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around just to see a kid swing his fist towards my stomach. Just as it almost hit me it was as if time stopped. I saw his fist slow down to a stop and as I looked back up to him I was pushed back. It was like watching my body react through a movie theater. I could see the dark edges of the room around the light screen. I watched as my arms flung out and threw him against the lockers on the other side. I was so scared of myself. It wasn’t the first occurrence and I feared every time it happened. I was so scared that I would actually start to cry once I came back to myself. I believed that one of my guardian angels stepped in to protect me until I could learn to protect myself. Some of the instances I don’t remember what happened and just black out while my body does the work. Whether it was schizophrenia or something else I am not sure to this day. What I am sure of is that whatever was happening ended up saving my life more than once and I am thankful. That boulder I saw coming towards my face could have hit my head, that semi could have t-boned me, or that scaffolding could have actually crushed me as it collapsed on top of me. Many other instances could have ended my life or seriously injured me but because of my bodies actions during blackouts I survived.
I know this world is full of “coincidences” and I have had more than I share of them. I have kept most of these experiences and secret. Many of these occurrences were not even known to my parents, until now. It is hard for me to dismiss my memories as fiction if only because of how real it all seemed at the time. I know they weren’t dreams because even my dreams were occasionally a fault for my madness. I knew full well the meaning of Déjà Vu beginning in elementary. Only when I relived what I saw in dreams I could not help but just watch as it all happened to see if my non-involvement would change the course of events. On top of this all I started to become paranoid. One of my dreams included a van parked on the road monitoring me. Soon after that I saw a van quite similar to the dream parked within viewing distance of our house. Then I was kicked from an all text game when my account apparently logged in over 1,000 times within seconds. I figured it was them tracking me to see what I was doing. Truth be told, my paranoia was the reason I joined the military in the first place. I figured that they would not see me as a threat if joined the ranks. When asked, “Why did you join” I most often found comfort in the lie of saying I joined just for the school benefits.
Boy, if you read this far, congratulation. You now know some of my most intimate secrets. Many yet remain hidden. Some layers I have yet to decipher. One thing I have always found fascinating is how everything in the world works. This fascination includes my own mind. The human brain is amazing in its capabilities. It can destroy and it can create. The brain is more than just a few random synapses firing to sustain a life form. We, as the human race, have so much to realize about ourselves yet.
Do you know who and why you are?
"To be one's self, and unafraid whether right or wrong, is more admirable than the easy cowardice of surrender to conformity."
--Irving Wallace--
At a very young age I saw things and felt things but most often heard things that made me terrified of the dark. I would run from room to room turning off switches at night just so I could chance to be in the light a little longer. I would hear footsteps walking around my bed when there was no one there. I heard voices occasionally. Sometimes they would be but a whisper and others clear speech. I blamed it on ghosts and spirits. I confronted them once because I was sick of running. I actually heard then trip backwards over a backpack when I took a stance at the last switch and said that I was not afraid of them anymore. Through my mind I could see them fall as the noise happened. It is hard to explain something like that.
It was almost impossible to complete my first ACT test because throughout the whole test I could hear hundreds of whispers all around me and one female whisper louder than the rest. Looking around the room I found not a single mouth moving. The female whisper was familiar to me…maybe she was the same one from the house. I thought I heard the last of her when she was attacked in the hallway while I was in the shower. I was home alone. I heard her scream “Jus..!” and then a loud bang in the hallway just outside the bathroom door. That night is the first time I heard the male voice. He spoke from the direction of the window next to my bed. Basically, he told me that if I ever wanted to see her again I was going to have to follow him. His voice was low and harsh. There was something inherently evil about it. I felt like he was punishing us for crossing worlds we were not meant to cross. I heard her often and sometimes would answer back. However, there was nothing I could do since I knew not how to follow or where to go.
I believe that the next time I met her I became the victim. She came through the darkness through the wall like a banshee. I still remember the sight. She said “he is mine” as she came at me. I awoke yet could not breathe and could not move. It was as if she was pulling at my very life. All I could think was to reach over to the girl next to me and squeeze her name from my throat. As I touched my fingers to hers and forced her name through my throat it was as if I was released. That was pretty late in my life and by then often thought if something had happened that I would be strong enough where I didn’t need help. It was then I realized that even a protector needs protection.
Rewind it back to much younger again. As early as elementary school I grew this idea that I had some sway with the elements. More specifically, I believed I could call precipitation and alter fire. From the choir balcony at church I would manipulate the flames on the candles of the altar during service. Eventually, I had a run-in with electricity and then lighting was added to the delusion. I also played tag with dust devils at my grandparent’s house and danced around in the eye of a large dust devil that formed out in the field. I still remember the corn husks and dirt circling me as I spun in the opposite direction as if to play with the wind. I am still trying to convince myself all that I felt and saw with my childhood and adult experiences was a delusion. My memories either fade into dreams or my reality has been skewed my entire life. The thing that makes it harder to convince myself is that some of the experiences were shared. I was not alone in the sight and feelings in many instances. It could have been a flash of light in a dark boiler room at a community play or a storm front met with smiles and laughter. These shared experiences were all at different ages and different points in my life.
One thing most will remember is “Psycho Siegert.” I figure that it all started with a fateful race around the gym in 3rd grade. I was one of the better runners and, much as I am now, very competitive. As we reached one of the corners one my male classmates figured he would cheat to get ahead. He elbowed me and knocked me over. From that day on I ended my friendship with 99% of any boys in my class. I had two girls that called me friend and I stuck with them through the rest of elementary. We were known as the troublesome trio. Once we hit high school friendships changed in a hurry. I lost my two best friends and felt pretty much alone. I had no humor and was weak. There were a few boys that started to bully me and this is where the next self-determined mental issue started. One incident that sticks out clearly in my memory occurred in the hallway in between classed. I was putting some books into my locker when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around just to see a kid swing his fist towards my stomach. Just as it almost hit me it was as if time stopped. I saw his fist slow down to a stop and as I looked back up to him I was pushed back. It was like watching my body react through a movie theater. I could see the dark edges of the room around the light screen. I watched as my arms flung out and threw him against the lockers on the other side. I was so scared of myself. It wasn’t the first occurrence and I feared every time it happened. I was so scared that I would actually start to cry once I came back to myself. I believed that one of my guardian angels stepped in to protect me until I could learn to protect myself. Some of the instances I don’t remember what happened and just black out while my body does the work. Whether it was schizophrenia or something else I am not sure to this day. What I am sure of is that whatever was happening ended up saving my life more than once and I am thankful. That boulder I saw coming towards my face could have hit my head, that semi could have t-boned me, or that scaffolding could have actually crushed me as it collapsed on top of me. Many other instances could have ended my life or seriously injured me but because of my bodies actions during blackouts I survived.
I know this world is full of “coincidences” and I have had more than I share of them. I have kept most of these experiences and secret. Many of these occurrences were not even known to my parents, until now. It is hard for me to dismiss my memories as fiction if only because of how real it all seemed at the time. I know they weren’t dreams because even my dreams were occasionally a fault for my madness. I knew full well the meaning of Déjà Vu beginning in elementary. Only when I relived what I saw in dreams I could not help but just watch as it all happened to see if my non-involvement would change the course of events. On top of this all I started to become paranoid. One of my dreams included a van parked on the road monitoring me. Soon after that I saw a van quite similar to the dream parked within viewing distance of our house. Then I was kicked from an all text game when my account apparently logged in over 1,000 times within seconds. I figured it was them tracking me to see what I was doing. Truth be told, my paranoia was the reason I joined the military in the first place. I figured that they would not see me as a threat if joined the ranks. When asked, “Why did you join” I most often found comfort in the lie of saying I joined just for the school benefits.
Boy, if you read this far, congratulation. You now know some of my most intimate secrets. Many yet remain hidden. Some layers I have yet to decipher. One thing I have always found fascinating is how everything in the world works. This fascination includes my own mind. The human brain is amazing in its capabilities. It can destroy and it can create. The brain is more than just a few random synapses firing to sustain a life form. We, as the human race, have so much to realize about ourselves yet.
Do you know who and why you are?
"To be one's self, and unafraid whether right or wrong, is more admirable than the easy cowardice of surrender to conformity."
--Irving Wallace--
Delusions
In this desolate land full of “Yes, sir!” and “Roger that.” I am slowly coming to realizations that I have been searching for most of my life. We all ask “Who am I?” more than once in our lifetimes. I, for one, always kept that question firmly planted in my brain. I am unsure whether it was because I was searching for a purpose or just searching for a deeper understanding of myself. One thing that I am sure of is that my life from childhood up has been full of mental instability and issues. I am still working on convincing myself that most of my experiences were delusions and products of a possible chemical imbalance in my brain. It is hard to believe that a mind can fool so many of your senses all at once so well that you trust what your mind is creating as a reality.
At a very young age I saw things and felt things but most often heard things that made me terrified of the dark. I would run from room to room turning off switches at night just so I could chance to be in the light a little longer. I would hear footsteps walking around my bed when there was no one there. I heard voices occasionally. Sometimes they would be but a whisper and others clear speech. I blamed it on ghosts and spirits. I confronted them once because I was sick of running. I actually heard then trip backwards over a backpack when I took a stance at the last switch and said that I was not afraid of them anymore. Through my mind I could see them fall as the noise happened. It is hard to explain something like that.
It was almost impossible to complete my first ACT test because throughout the whole test I could hear hundreds of whispers all around me and one female whisper louder than the rest. Looking around the room I found not a single mouth moving. The female whisper was familiar to me…maybe she was the same one from the house. I thought I heard the last of her when she was attacked in the hallway while I was in the shower. I was home alone. I heard her scream “Jus..!” and then a loud bang in the hallway just outside the bathroom door. That night is the first time I heard the male voice. He spoke from the direction of the window next to my bed. Basically, he told me that if I ever wanted to see her again I was going to have to follow him. His voice was low and harsh. There was something inherently evil about it. I felt like he was punishing us for crossing worlds we were not meant to cross. I heard her often and sometimes would answer back. However, there was nothing I could do since I knew not how to follow or where to go.
I believe that the next time I met her I became the victim. She came through the darkness through the wall like a banshee. I still remember the sight. She said “he is mine” as she came at me. I awoke yet could not breathe and could not move. It was as if she was pulling at my very life. All I could think was to reach over to the girl next to me and squeeze her name from my throat. As I touched my fingers to hers and forced her name through my throat it was as if I was released. That was pretty late in my life and by then often thought if something had happened that I would be strong enough where I didn’t need help. It was then I realized that even a protector needs protection.
Rewind it back to much younger again. As early as elementary school I grew this idea that I had some sway with the elements. More specifically, I believed I could call precipitation and alter fire. From the choir balcony at church I would manipulate the flames on the candles of the altar during service. Eventually, I had a run-in with electricity and then lighting was added to the delusion. I also played tag with dust devils at my grandparent’s house and danced around in the eye of a large dust devil that formed out in the field. I still remember the corn husks and dirt circling me as I spun in the opposite direction as if to play with the wind. I am still trying to convince myself all that I felt and saw with my childhood and adult experiences was a delusion. My memories either fade into dreams or my reality has been skewed my entire life. The thing that makes it harder to convince myself is that some of the experiences were shared. I was not alone in the sight and feelings in many instances. It could have been a flash of light in a dark boiler room at a community play or a storm front met with smiles and laughter. These shared experiences were all at different ages and different points in my life.
One thing most will remember is “Psycho Siegert.” I figure that it all started with a fateful race around the gym in 3rd grade. I was one of the better runners and, much as I am now, very competitive. As we reached one of the corners one my male classmates figured he would cheat to get ahead. He elbowed me and knocked me over. From that day on I ended my friendship with 99% of any boys in my class. I had two girls that called me friend and I stuck with them through the rest of elementary. We were known as the troublesome trio. Once we hit high school friendships changed in a hurry. I lost my two best friends and felt pretty much alone. I had no humor and was weak. There were a few boys that started to bully me and this is where the next self-determined mental issue started. One incident that sticks out clearly in my memory occurred in the hallway in between classed. I was putting some books into my locker when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around just to see a kid swing his fist towards my stomach. Just as it almost hit me it was as if time stopped. I saw his fist slow down to a stop and as I looked back up to him I was pushed back. It was like watching my body react through a movie theater. I could see the dark edges of the room around the light screen. I watched as my arms flung out and threw him against the lockers on the other side. I was so scared of myself. It wasn’t the first occurrence and I feared every time it happened. I was so scared that I would actually start to cry once I came back to myself. I believed that one of my guardian angels stepped in to protect me until I could learn to protect myself. Some of the instances I don’t remember what happened and just black out while my body does the work. Whether it was schizophrenia or something else I am not sure to this day. What I am sure of is that whatever was happening ended up saving my life more than once and I am thankful. That boulder I saw coming towards my face could have hit my head, that semi could have t-boned me, or that scaffolding could have actually crushed me as it collapsed on top of me. Many other instances could have ended my life or seriously injured me but because of my bodies actions during blackouts I survived.
I know this world is full of “coincidences” and I have had more than I share of them. I have kept most of these experiences and secret. Many of these occurrences were not even known to my parents, until now. It is hard for me to dismiss my memories as fiction if only because of how real it all seemed at the time. I know they weren’t dreams because even my dreams were occasionally a fault for my madness. I knew full well the meaning of Déjà Vu beginning in elementary. Only when I relived what I saw in dreams I could not help but just watch as it all happened to see if my non-involvement would change the course of events. On top of this all I started to become paranoid. One of my dreams included a van parked on the road monitoring me. Soon after that I saw a van quite similar to the dream parked within viewing distance of our house. Then I was kicked from an all text game when my account apparently logged in over 1,000 times within seconds. I figured it was them tracking me to see what I was doing. Truth be told, my paranoia was the reason I joined the military in the first place. I figured that they would not see me as a threat if joined the ranks. When asked, “Why did you join” I most often found comfort in the lie of saying I joined just for the school benefits.
Boy, if you read this far, congratulation. You now know some of my most intimate secrets. Many yet remain hidden. Some layers I have yet to decipher. One thing I have always found fascinating is how everything in the world works. This fascination includes my own mind. The human brain is amazing in its capabilities. It can destroy and it can create. The brain is more than just a few random synapses firing to sustain a life form. We, as the human race, have so much to realize about ourselves yet.
Do you know who and why you are?
"To be one's self, and unafraid whether right or wrong, is more admirable than the easy cowardice of surrender to conformity."
--Irving Wallace--
At a very young age I saw things and felt things but most often heard things that made me terrified of the dark. I would run from room to room turning off switches at night just so I could chance to be in the light a little longer. I would hear footsteps walking around my bed when there was no one there. I heard voices occasionally. Sometimes they would be but a whisper and others clear speech. I blamed it on ghosts and spirits. I confronted them once because I was sick of running. I actually heard then trip backwards over a backpack when I took a stance at the last switch and said that I was not afraid of them anymore. Through my mind I could see them fall as the noise happened. It is hard to explain something like that.
It was almost impossible to complete my first ACT test because throughout the whole test I could hear hundreds of whispers all around me and one female whisper louder than the rest. Looking around the room I found not a single mouth moving. The female whisper was familiar to me…maybe she was the same one from the house. I thought I heard the last of her when she was attacked in the hallway while I was in the shower. I was home alone. I heard her scream “Jus..!” and then a loud bang in the hallway just outside the bathroom door. That night is the first time I heard the male voice. He spoke from the direction of the window next to my bed. Basically, he told me that if I ever wanted to see her again I was going to have to follow him. His voice was low and harsh. There was something inherently evil about it. I felt like he was punishing us for crossing worlds we were not meant to cross. I heard her often and sometimes would answer back. However, there was nothing I could do since I knew not how to follow or where to go.
I believe that the next time I met her I became the victim. She came through the darkness through the wall like a banshee. I still remember the sight. She said “he is mine” as she came at me. I awoke yet could not breathe and could not move. It was as if she was pulling at my very life. All I could think was to reach over to the girl next to me and squeeze her name from my throat. As I touched my fingers to hers and forced her name through my throat it was as if I was released. That was pretty late in my life and by then often thought if something had happened that I would be strong enough where I didn’t need help. It was then I realized that even a protector needs protection.
Rewind it back to much younger again. As early as elementary school I grew this idea that I had some sway with the elements. More specifically, I believed I could call precipitation and alter fire. From the choir balcony at church I would manipulate the flames on the candles of the altar during service. Eventually, I had a run-in with electricity and then lighting was added to the delusion. I also played tag with dust devils at my grandparent’s house and danced around in the eye of a large dust devil that formed out in the field. I still remember the corn husks and dirt circling me as I spun in the opposite direction as if to play with the wind. I am still trying to convince myself all that I felt and saw with my childhood and adult experiences was a delusion. My memories either fade into dreams or my reality has been skewed my entire life. The thing that makes it harder to convince myself is that some of the experiences were shared. I was not alone in the sight and feelings in many instances. It could have been a flash of light in a dark boiler room at a community play or a storm front met with smiles and laughter. These shared experiences were all at different ages and different points in my life.
One thing most will remember is “Psycho Siegert.” I figure that it all started with a fateful race around the gym in 3rd grade. I was one of the better runners and, much as I am now, very competitive. As we reached one of the corners one my male classmates figured he would cheat to get ahead. He elbowed me and knocked me over. From that day on I ended my friendship with 99% of any boys in my class. I had two girls that called me friend and I stuck with them through the rest of elementary. We were known as the troublesome trio. Once we hit high school friendships changed in a hurry. I lost my two best friends and felt pretty much alone. I had no humor and was weak. There were a few boys that started to bully me and this is where the next self-determined mental issue started. One incident that sticks out clearly in my memory occurred in the hallway in between classed. I was putting some books into my locker when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around just to see a kid swing his fist towards my stomach. Just as it almost hit me it was as if time stopped. I saw his fist slow down to a stop and as I looked back up to him I was pushed back. It was like watching my body react through a movie theater. I could see the dark edges of the room around the light screen. I watched as my arms flung out and threw him against the lockers on the other side. I was so scared of myself. It wasn’t the first occurrence and I feared every time it happened. I was so scared that I would actually start to cry once I came back to myself. I believed that one of my guardian angels stepped in to protect me until I could learn to protect myself. Some of the instances I don’t remember what happened and just black out while my body does the work. Whether it was schizophrenia or something else I am not sure to this day. What I am sure of is that whatever was happening ended up saving my life more than once and I am thankful. That boulder I saw coming towards my face could have hit my head, that semi could have t-boned me, or that scaffolding could have actually crushed me as it collapsed on top of me. Many other instances could have ended my life or seriously injured me but because of my bodies actions during blackouts I survived.
I know this world is full of “coincidences” and I have had more than I share of them. I have kept most of these experiences and secret. Many of these occurrences were not even known to my parents, until now. It is hard for me to dismiss my memories as fiction if only because of how real it all seemed at the time. I know they weren’t dreams because even my dreams were occasionally a fault for my madness. I knew full well the meaning of Déjà Vu beginning in elementary. Only when I relived what I saw in dreams I could not help but just watch as it all happened to see if my non-involvement would change the course of events. On top of this all I started to become paranoid. One of my dreams included a van parked on the road monitoring me. Soon after that I saw a van quite similar to the dream parked within viewing distance of our house. Then I was kicked from an all text game when my account apparently logged in over 1,000 times within seconds. I figured it was them tracking me to see what I was doing. Truth be told, my paranoia was the reason I joined the military in the first place. I figured that they would not see me as a threat if joined the ranks. When asked, “Why did you join” I most often found comfort in the lie of saying I joined just for the school benefits.
Boy, if you read this far, congratulation. You now know some of my most intimate secrets. Many yet remain hidden. Some layers I have yet to decipher. One thing I have always found fascinating is how everything in the world works. This fascination includes my own mind. The human brain is amazing in its capabilities. It can destroy and it can create. The brain is more than just a few random synapses firing to sustain a life form. We, as the human race, have so much to realize about ourselves yet.
Do you know who and why you are?
"To be one's self, and unafraid whether right or wrong, is more admirable than the easy cowardice of surrender to conformity."
--Irving Wallace--
Saturday, January 30, 2010
PT pass
We had our failure APFT lately for those on two-a-days to get off of two-a-days. I passed with 40 push-ups, 67 sit-ups, and a 13:04 2 mile run. Push-ups were still tough but I made it. The only incentive I have toward passing is to get off of two-a-days. Otherwise, my incentive to fail is that there is no chance for me to resign with a failing PT score. So, my competitive side is keeping me from saying "screw it" and just giving up. Plus, although I procrastinate and seem to be lax about things, I am stubborn as heck and don't give up easily. The real test is at the end of March so until then they are keeping us on one a days. My CET goes to the gym 2 hours every night. One of the many reasons I will be happy to be done with this all.
Friday, January 29, 2010
2!
I bought a 2 TB tower the other day. I am still amazed by the amount of memory in these things. This will definitely be useful for video editing and architecture programs once I start school.
In other news, it is really tough returning my voice when I still think in the current voice. It is a lot more difficult than I imagined. Just keep on trying. Time to pull my laundry out of the dryer. Woo!
In other news, it is really tough returning my voice when I still think in the current voice. It is a lot more difficult than I imagined. Just keep on trying. Time to pull my laundry out of the dryer. Woo!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Reconstructing the Voice
Recently I started to attempt to return to my natural voice. It has proven very difficult since I haven't used it for years. I changed it because of my last girlfriend. When ever she would sleep or rest with her head on my chest she would complain when I spoke since my natural voice resonates in my chest and causes a vibration. I also changed it because I wasn't a fan of being noticed and that voice carried well through a crowd or a quiet place. I find myself slipping back into the voice I have been using when I don't focus on my speech. I tried to switch back during one of my acting classes but I didn't want to sound ridiculous by switching back and forth while trying to ingrain my old voice pattern. Here is the perfect place because most of the people I am here with most likely will only see me in passing or even not at all once we return. I only have a few months to work on it so I will need to constantly keep my mind focused if I want to make any headway towards change.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Retrograded
So anyone that reads this knows about my plans to return to a more simple way of life by going back on tech a little bit. Limiting my Facebook, writing more letters, only carrying around a Tracphone for emergencies, etc. I felt that we are separating ourselves from each other too much and society is suffering from a lack of actual person to person contact. Well, the reason for this posting is that I just recently watched a movie, Surrogate, that pretty much stated the same fact. It was stated in a more extreme fashion but I can see the future going in that direction if we get carried away. Once I am settled in back home I am going to see about gathering addresses of those interested in the lost art of letter writing. I think I will keep internet access and use tech but I will use what I see as beneficial and not hindering to social interactions. Take Facebook for example, yeah you can set the argument that the social networking website helps you keep contact with many more people that normal but after a while you will find yourself talking to them less and just hoping over to their page just to see new pictures or what else is going on their life without actually talking to them through a real conversation. Real conversations are becoming rare with the overuse of texting and instant messaging. I myself was beginning to find it difficult to sustain a decent conversation without having to distract myself with something else. We will see how it all pans out. I feel pretty positive about the outcome.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Sitting with the Stars
Well, I broke down some what and bought a week long internet card. However, I can only use it while sitting at Starbucks. I am now a cyber cafe surfer. The internet here is actually fairly decent when there aren't too many people. On the plus side it may even work out to be cheaper...as long as we keep getting missions. I only pay for it 1 week at a time. A 1 week card costs only 12 bucks. I sacrifice the comfort of my own room and 24 hour access to save a tiny bit a cash. At least they have nice background music. :)
Friday, January 15, 2010
Caught
For a while our old landlord has been giving us the slip on the delivery of our security deposit. I would say about a good 6 months or so. Finally, after one attempt, the summons has been successfully delivered to him. Hopefully the court system does justice and puts the good above evil. I understand now why there are so many laws to protect tenants. There are so many landlords out there that tend to be a bit shady and think that the tenants will just give up and give in.
Odd Fact: I found a 3.5 inch blonde hair attached to the back of my right thigh. I was quite astonished to find the hair at first and even more astonished when I found that it is mine. I just had to measure it with a ruler. I think I might keep it. :)
Odd Fact: I found a 3.5 inch blonde hair attached to the back of my right thigh. I was quite astonished to find the hair at first and even more astonished when I found that it is mine. I just had to measure it with a ruler. I think I might keep it. :)
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Paranoia and Awareness
Through out my life I have noticed that my awareness peaks at random times. I have been blaming this on paranoia but it may be something else. It would be great if it was active 100% of the time. The only part of it that stays active is the part that brings me to finding all sorts of shiny objects on the ground. One of the latest periods of heightened awareness was pretty fun. I started noticing subtle differences in faces and found myself studying every single face I passed or any face that was within view. The funny part is that my actor training even kicked in a bit and I was thinking how I could make my face look like their faces. It was great. When I was in Japan I watched every guy's eyes to see if they were looking at Katrina just in case someone wanted to try to get froggy. I was really hoping to be able to toss someone around. Maybe someday this whole awareness thing will come in handy...especially if I land a job with Planning and Zoning for the city of Fargo after I finish school.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Dreams
I have officially been in uniform too long. Last night I had at least two dreams where I was in full ACU attire with everything I currently have in my pockets. One dream was actually pretty neat. Before I went to bed I had to go to the bathroom but didn't want to put my shoes back on and walk all the way over to the latrines in the cold. So, I just fell asleep. The last dream of the night before I woke was of me walking around looking for a bathroom. I walked into this hospital looking place. I don't remember the clinical names on each area anymore but I was pretty much able to walk around freely. I walked into this one area and there were doctors helping what seemed to be special needs kids. One kid was in kind of a corner booth being instructed how to play a violin. One kid was being guided through a computer based music program where he had two screens and was either currently just watching the notes go by (the notes were on a scale system like sheet music and the notes were blue lines, longer lines meant longer notes, and would turned red when played) or was actually clicking and programing the music. There was a room just to the right of the computers that had more people making music. The thing of it was that everyone was playing the same thing and were all in sync as if playing together in a band. Well, there was no bathroom there so I headed back out to the lobby. Just before the lobby there were exam chairs with people in them being checked out. It was sort of like a little open-spaced dental clinic. I walked up to a railing that separated the large open lobby (it was almost as if this operation moved into a space that was too big for them and they never bothered to fill the space). Apparently I was right next to one of the doctors because I heard kind of disappointed sigh and I look over to see the doctor looking at a muddy spot my boot left. He didn't say anything to me but a nurse came over quickly and wiped it up. At that point I noticed he had little white cloth covers around his shoes as to try to keep the area clean. I moved out into the empty lobby area and looked down a loooong hall. I decided there was no bathroom down there. Then right by the main desk I noticed your average exam room with the door open. I could see a bathroom there but didn't think it right to go in and use the exam room's bathroom. So, I left the hospital/clinic place and woke up...then went to the bathroom. The odd thing about it is that through all of this no one stopped me as if I had full access. No one talked to me as if I intimidated them or they did not like my presence. I have noticed that here though too...we have access other don't and no one really question us to much. I wonder if this will effect me back home.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
<90
Less than 90 days and I will find myself in the comfort of my own home. I have thought a lot about money lately. For instance, with Katrina going to school we are using a good chunk of the money I make here to pay for her tuition. That makes me unsure whether or not I will be able to take so many months off from work. I may have to start working after only 1 month instead of the 2 months I had hoped for. I am quick to adjust so maybe it won't be so bad. I was just hoping for a little more time to reset and relax. I still need to run the numbers once I am sure what will be there when I return. I don't really need to make the decision until I am actually there anyways.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Offline...
Well, it looks like my internet back in my room is now shut off. I decided not to purchase another 3 months simply because of the quality. It really isn't worth how much we were paying for it. So now the only time I will be able to trot around in cyberspace is while I am on the road. I am going to try to keep up this blog as much as possible so those of you that check here actually have something to look at. Enjoy life!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
A New Year
As the new year begins my eye can see the distant future of freedom and knowledge. Will it be easy to adjust back to normal life? Will I be ready to face what lies before me? Even more, will I be able to fend off procrastination this time around? This new year has many possible outcomes and I honestly can not see which path I will find beneath my feet.
3 months and it all begins...
3 months and it all begins...
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