Not Quite

Well, tonight I pushed someone out of a spot that they were stuck in...they even said that they had studded tires. He kept spinning his wheels and I could smell the rubber from my garage where I was cleaning. I decided to help him out since he wasn't quite getting it. I soon found out how much strength I have actually gained from working out. I gave it a 1-2-3 and rocked that car. There was a tightly packed snow drift behind me so I basically did a squat. Only issue was that I also found how weak my right ankle is from my overseas injury. It is not quite that strong enough yet for that amount of weight. I limped for a bit afterward but the pain didn't last too long. I also had an adrenaline surge from the whole thing that had my body shaking as I tried to put my key in the door to enter the apartment. It felt good as usual. I had almost forgotten why I was an adrenaline junky in my younger days.

A Winter Break Update

This weekend we had our Siegert family Christmas and gift exchange in Fargo. I received a group gift of $90 to use at Best Buy. Normally I would just run over and buy the next top game but honestly I have been holding back on my game and down-loadable content buying. There are a couple ideas I have had but I am find myself in no big hurry. There are other things I am focusing on right now that seem to overshadow gaming. Anyways, for the reader(s), what are your ideas on a possible purchase at Best Buy?

Three weeks left in the workout program and I will be missing most of this week due to going home for Christmas break. I will most likely be spending much of the time with Katrina's side but will also be visiting my grandparents since it has been way too long.

After suggesting a YouTube partnership to a friend, I myself have been considering the option. At first I had just the notion that someday I would like to try it but had no solid idea of what I would do. This morning after I noticed that someone commented on my reading video I had an idea. Maybe I could read books for YouTube. Granted my reading/speaking skills are going to need to improve from the current video as well are my video editing skills. Also, I am not sure where that would fall into the copyrighted material/original idea since I would be reading someone other person's work. Also, I am going to need to find/buy enough shorter books to read in order to post one or two videos a week. All in all this may take a bit of planning and working before I can turn this into a success. Especially since before I can even apply for a partnership I need to have enough subscribers. It can be done and is quite possible. It also will definitely be useful in increasing my speaking, reading, and even my writing abilities...even if they are short children books. Also, when I say short I mean about 10 minutes at least but no more than 30 minutes. I can do 2-part videos but wouldn't really go for any more than that to try to keep the interest of the viewers.

Winter Break

Monday I shall complete my last final of the semester. From that moment I start my winter break. Tuesday will be the first full day of relaxation. I am going to do my best to make the most out of my break. Next semester I will have very little break since I will be working every weekend and going to class on every day during the week. I am increasing the amount of credits I am taking so as to push my goal of graduating in 2 years. I may or may not take some summer classes along the way to push the goal a bit more.

Besides relaxing, during the break I wish to make progress on a few projects. I am still working on selling that car as well as defending it from those who would want it towed. Secondly, as usual, I seek to rearrange rooms to appease my appetite of change. Beyond that, I am going to work on compiling a database on our belongings as to make it clear of the excess baggage we carry. I will probably start looking into Amazon.com to sell books or other items that may be worth it. All else, we will be packing into boxes and donating to a charity-based thrift store. Eventually we will be able to park a vehicle in our garage.

4th Week

Well, have reach the one-month milestone on the work-out program. Sadly, I missed today due to my stomach feeling like junk this morning. I have to say though that I have noticed an improvement. I have lost at least an inch all the way around. My stomach is a lot flatter and I as thoroughly impressed when I caught a glimpse of a side view. Even my arms have gained a very slight bit of muscle. Which is all good seeing as the program pretty much consists of a whole bunch of cardio. When I started I wanted to do kind of a picture diary but never made it around to taking the pictures. I thought the same thing around day 15 since I didn't notice any drastic changes. Now it is too late. Maybe when we finish we can figure out a schedule for next semester to start it up again.

I was forced, so to speak, to finally buy tabs for my car that is sitting in the parking lot. The apartment place stuck a window sticker (which is really tough to take off and leaves paper chunks) to the driver side say that they were going to tow it Friday at 10:00 since the tabs were expired. So I broke down and ran to the DMV during the break between classes. I had 35$ with me thinking that would be enough. Surprisingly, ND tab renewal costs 64$. I was caught a little off guard especially since I too apparently forgot my pin number so I had to run back to the bank. Funny thing though, the other car that they said they were going to tow is still sitting there along with another one that has had the sticker on it since before last week.

Today is a Day just as the Day before

Time for a quick post before work.

I finished all on the list from my last post....except for the removal of my motorcycle battery. We will see how that goes. I am also now registered for classes for Spring. I need to go over one issue with my adviser. One of the classes has a prereq for one of the classes I am taking that same semester. My hope is that they will let me do a co-req with it.

One big issue that will arise next semester is the lack of time for an evening job. I am not sure how to work it yet but I may or may not have to find a different position either with or without my current employer. I am thinking something more along the lines of PR&Ad. Maybe I can see if the NDSU Fine Arts office would be looking to hire someone. I wonder if the writers for the spectrum are paid...probably not. I also considered just taking out a loan to cover housing and what not.

Time for work! Heeyaa!

Winter Begins

Winter is off to a good start with a winter storm warning through 9pm tonight. We already had 4 inches by early this morning. Luckily it is all light and fluffy. The temp is around 8 degrees currently. Now I really need to sell that car since soon I can expect that the apartment place will be putting up a "Please remove vehicles from parking lot so we may clean it" sign. Since that car doesn't start that would make it very difficult. I am going to go to work early and check out the link to whoever was buying junk and repairable vehicles. Hopefully I will have a chance to call him soon after.

Boy, looking out the window, the visibility is really dropping. I can maybe see a block and a half. Which reminds me, I need to hurry and buy a shovel.

To Do This Week:
-Sell Car
-Buy Shovel
-Build Iris Litter Box Walls
-Remove Battery from Motorcycle
-Prepare Apartment for Thanksgiving
-Register for Spring Classes

Laugh if you want...

After my calculations and planning I will be able to graduate in 2.5-3 years with a degree is Public Relations and Advertising (emphasis on PR of course). Now I know some of you are thinking "He is changing majors again? Geez, will he ever just pick one and graduate?" Feel free to laugh and jest but this will be the one I pick and finish...granted the emphasis could still go over to advertising but for now I am set more on the communication aspect. Depending on certain things I may go full steam ahead with communication classes next semester instead of trying to fix some mistakes I made in the past. The mistake fixing will come much later if it is even needed. As of now, I just feel that I need to move on and work myself out of the rut I have put myself in. This semester is not going extremely well and through various assignments I have found that my ability to research and write papers has been extremely damaged over the past few years of my absence. It has been and still is fairly difficult to adjust back to the life of a student. During the break I am going to hit some my old books and go through some of my old speeches to try to revive those certain skills that seem to have grown weak.

Black Widow Fail!

I bought this black widow adapter for my 2tb tower and it seems like it is just a bunch of fail. The issue could be with my hard drive or with the adapter. Whatever the issue is the drive is failing at installing and thus I can not use it for my 2tb drive. I guess I can return it yet.

When Dreams Impact

For some reason I can not stop revisiting a dream that I had a couple nights ago. It wasn't even anything extraordinary or spectacular. A part of the dream keep sneaking into my thoughts. It is in the future and everyone is sort of dressed like they don't really have other clothes...kind of homeless-like. We may have been refugees of sorts. The sleeping space was huge and had tons of beds that were separated by waste high walls. My memory of the whole thing sort of jumps around. I have a flash of escaping and returning. James, Aaron, and Kari were there. I had a couple silver tubes of some sort of tiny mint looking discs that I figured was candy. I tossed one at Kari and then ripped the other one in half and gave the halves to Aaron and James. That is about it. Everything was very industrial looking as if made of only cement and rough metal. Not sure why the dream keeps pushing its way into my daily activities so I figured...hey I should just type it out.

"Here We Go Again"

As most have no idea, I have been having issues getting back into the swing of school after all that has happened. I keep making plans to myself to change this or that. Through my mind runs the phrase: "Whatever you are be a good one." I feel I have not been good at many of the roles I play but as always things are about to change. I may not rest very well for the next few days and near the end may become a bit loopy. Although, something needs to happen and I am the one to do it. So, get ready, get set, GO!

p.s. Katrina researched and found out that a good portion of my past can be caused by a condition known as "sleep paralysis." It covers everything from voices, footsteps, and feelings of outside pressures on the body. My latest occurrence at home was a pretty well developed one and probably the highest sensory one to date. The voice was so clear and I would have listened to what he was saying if it weren't for the fact I was more concerned with being released. When he started speaking it was as if something clicked inside and a radio was turned on. His voice wasn't hostile even though he rushed across the room to reach the back of my head before I rolled back over. My room isn't that big so I only heard 3 quick steps before it all happened. He sounded very articulate and spoke calmly. He was a young adult between 20-30 and sounded handsome. Strange thing is that unlike most of the voices heard in the past were external but this one had a very precise location inside the back of my skull. The sound and pressure came from just above my motor cortex and was sore pretty much the entire next day. That could have been because my struggle with moving lasted for quite some time. I still feel flashbacks of soreness back there. Like I said though, modern science has explained some of the happenings for all that stuff while I am "sleeping" and now the only thing left is the occurrences from my childhood while fully awake. I am still on the fence with all of it but at least it is an explanation.

Quick Update

-Spent 580$ on Blazer...still needs over 1200$ more for repairs
-Spent 180$ on Century due to "Service Engine Soon"
-Eating out a lot less...definitely saving money there
-Advising begins next week/Registration begins Nov. 1st
-Broke out the roller blades today and went over a mile to pick up car
-Test today and more next week
-Working on barn back home this weekend
-Changing Major due to available jobs on market (yeah, yeah, I know :P)
-Automatic Litter box was a total failure...waste of money
-31 degrees this morning and had to dig out ice scrapers for frost
-Finding Kitchen table more comfortable for working conditions than office...may remove one desk in office to clear some space
-Bringing home desk top this weekend as a hand-me-down to my parents

-End of Quick Update List

Fun is Relative

This weekend has already started off with quite a bit of excitement.
In chronological Order:
-Received bonus check from work
-Hung out with Taylor and had my guitar tuned (learning to play it will come later)
-Ate at ColdStone for the first time and payed them a 2$ tip so they sang twice.
-Bought Halo: Reach
-Played Halo: Reach with Justin, Aaron, and Will (I played at Justin's, Aaron played from Duluth, and William played from Austria)
-Was able to speak with all since we all had headsets.
-Blazer really having braking grabbing issues (Definitely bringing it in Monday)
-Blazer lied about having an empty tank...borrowed gas can from gas station few blocks away.
-The calm cool air carries the smell of the city dump a good couple miles to fill the apartment and my nostrils

Then tomorrow we continue the excitement with a double date field trip to a pumpkin patch. The carving location will be on the balcony.

Oct-8, 2010

Ever wonder why October is not the eighth month of the year seeing as it starts with Oct-? Yeah, me neither. Welcome to your weekly blog update!

Last weekend I left for home to assist in tearing down a lean to on our historic barn. (side note: apparently there are organizations out there that want us to restore the barn since it is one of the few left like it...although they offer no grants to help) We tore down one side, well, we tore down a good portion of one side. We have the floor and half a wall yet. The lean-to is split in half by a fairly massive cement silo. I am planning on maybe going down to try to finish the job on he weekend of the 23rd.

This weekend I am actually getting out of the house and hanging out with people. It will be great. Saturday I am hanging out with Taylor, whom haven't seen in a long while. Sunday we are going to a pumpkin patch as a double date with a couple of Katrina's friends from MSUM. After that we are returning to our apartment to carve said pumpkins. So as you guess we have some cleaning and disposing of goods to do yet. My blazer is already loaded with one fairly large box of stuff going to charity. Haven't decided if we are going to go with Salvation Army or Dakota Boys Ranch.

Current Projects Prioritized: (besides cleaning)
-Building a wooden house for the litter box
-Running wire along ceiling for XBox and Surround Sound

Here and There

I now have had my last few first tests. We are well on our way into mid-term. I have my first mid-exam next Thursday (which I will technically take the following Tuesday because of class and work schedules). I didn't prepare for the last few tests too well but I still did alright. This time around I think I may actually read the book and throw in a bit of studying more than just Japanese.

Tomorrow I am going to be down in Madison helping my family tear down the lean-to on the barn before snow falls and causes more damage. It will be mainly just my grandpa, my dad, and I working on it. I am crossing my fingers on completing most of the work this weekend. Those are high hopes but with 2.5 days or so I think we can tear down a good chunk.

Decorations Abound

Katrina has started her Fall decoration phase. She put together a couple nice little Autumn vases with pebbles and fake tree branches. Autumn leaves wrap around our new closets as well as the balcony. There are also a couple little wood carvings sitting around. The decorations on the entertainment center look really nice I think. Now if only the rest of the apartment would shape up. We still have way too much stuff. At least we have one desk done enough where I can sit in the office and work on homework...the project for the weekend. Although I am considering putting a table out on the balcony for a working space since it looks like such a beautiful day form the office window.

Bus Riding etc.

Last night I was able to enjoy my first (in quite a few years) MAT bus experience. I had a meeting downtown so, instead of driving, I just left my blazer in the parking lot and hopped the last quick bus to the downtown campus. The ride there was painless once the driver finally made it back to the bus. I attended the meeting and was able to meet with my mentor afterward. I was on my way out just after 9pm. I was hoping to hop a bus back but no bus was in sight. Finally, I spotted bus route 13 coming close, which was the bus that went to NDSU, so I hopped on. We made it to GTC and the bus driver informed me that he also does a different route during the night but I was free to stay on until he went back to route 13. I had no issues with that. So I rode around Fargo and found a sign on the bus that said no "joy" riding (meaning you are not suppose to ride a full route without exciting before the final stop). I found that interesting since as a paying customer you would think that you would be able to. Although, I suppose that if you did ride all the way around you would normally get off somewhere and then get back on later. That would mean you would pay the ride fee twice for one route. Anyways, back to the story, so we started route 13 and it also started to rain. By the time we reached 12th Ave N it was full out pouring. I decided, "Shoot, might as well get off and enjoy a 4 block walk to my vehicle." It was fairly nice. I made it back to the blazer around 10:11pm. Quite a decent length ride.

In other news, I really dislike the phrase "They don't pay me enough to care." Really what they are saying is that they don't care about their job. I heard an IT Help Desk guy say that to an NDSU student and I wanted so much to confront him on his words. Not to be specific of who he is...but his name is Stanely K. I wanted to look up more about this careless "helper" but NDSU's phone book requires at least 2 letters for a last name in order to search and I couldn't find him by guessing letters either. Honestly, when a person reaches that phrase they are better off just quitting and letting someone that would appreciate their job take his place. Otherwise they are doing more damage to the reputation and reliability of the overall department. People like that are a virus that just spread negative energy.

Ta Da

With the slight hand of a magician I pull out a blog from the depths of my top hat!

Been a while so I will do a quick list of updates:

School: Busy, battling procrastination but feeling like I am starting to win...slowly

Work: Tiresome, took PTO off Monday to work on some homework and finish closet

Projects: Closet finished, now need to organize the office so I can focus on homework without the distraction of another person, finally hooked home theater system into TV but still need to run cables around room for surround sound, have extra wood for "Litter box House" not sure when I will start that project, planning on running internet outer back into main room for ease of access for XBox Live (cable will be packaged with surround sound speaker cables), need to work on giving belongings to some charity to lighten amount of stuff we have before winter so we may possibly fit car in garage, et cetera.

Well-Being: Been feeling kind of sore and run down...soreness possibly due to a dead bolt issue causing me to utilize the balcony instead of the front door, had head cold over weekend but now just back to allergies, hoping to catch up with school enough to where I can make it to the gym

Repairs: Deadbolt fixed, sink and dishwasher issue result of garbage disposal issue, garbage disposal fixed, kitchen light fixed (Yay! We have light again!)

Big News Not Me: Will and Mary Jo left for Austria (I have a secondary clock on my computer so I know what time it is there...tee hee)and seem to adjusting well. Their dorm is slightly bigger than Katrina's apartment was in Japan.

That is it for now. Maybe once I am organized I will be able to do one of these each day so as not to have such strange posts...not to say that my normal posts are normal.

Class Update

Now that I have completed a full week I figured I shall post a small update for each class.

Japanese: I love Mita sensei's teaching style and it really is too bad that NDSU isn't working with MSUM for language class schedules. I can only make it to half the classes during the week so for the other two days I am self-driven and work with Katrina as a sort of home-teacher. This may seem tricky but I am really enjoying it.

Environmental Design: Faulkner AIA is a pretty fun guy. I think this Design focused art class is more beneficial than the alternative art focused art class. As of now we are just sketching for sketching purposes which is the way most classes go. However, in addition, we also cover design professions and vocab. I definitely smile a bit in each class.

Physics: This class is mainly a broad science class which I enjoy thoroughly. I have been away from science for so long. It was one of my favorite subjects in school and I even thought about pursuing a science career...only I didn't since at the time science seemed to be well against religion. I see now that more often than not the two can co-exist. Plus, I like the way he does his notes. He posts incomplete notes online and then you print them off to complete during class.

Sociology: I loved this class both times that I took it with Patty Corwin. Well, do to times available I had to take it from Leretta Smith. She seems like an alright teacher but she does notes old school. She goes through notes on a power point faster than one can write them down. I was pretty much writing the whole hour and fifteen minutes of class. Since I haven't really been writing that much my hand and forearm was pretty sore by the end. Honestly this easy class may end up being the hardest since it is so tough to get notes. I guess I will just have to really focus on filling in the holes using the textbook.

All and all I don't think this semester should be too difficult, however, I am going to have to really focus since there are quite a few majors in the running to be the final 50-54 to be accepted into the program. I don't even want to think about actual number in the running but all I know is there is quite a few.

A New Direction

Tomorrow I start a new direction in my life. Fall semester officially starts tomorrow. I have my books reserved, my financial aid figured out, and now I just need to go in and order up a new student ID since my 3+ year old ID probably isn't good. I wonder if I can find it...hmmm, I think I will search for it tomorrow for fun.

Since I am going to school I have also entered part-time status at work and will only be working Mondays and Fridays. I also will not be able to switch back to full-time since one needs to be able to work a 80 hours per pay period 6 months in a row in order to be considered full-time. School breaks are 3 months in the summer and 3 weeks in the winter. This means that even if I can reach 80 hours per pay period that my health insurance through Sanford will still be more expensive that if I were working full-time. Too bad good private health insurance is waaay too expensive for the average Joe.

In other news, vehicles are in need of repair before winter. My Blazer's yellow driving light on the left side is out and after going through a car wash today I found that the frame around the back window is fairly rusted out. If I do not fix that before winter I could end up with a messy issue of expansion damage. My bike's front left turn signal is also out. I can take care of the lights this week but since I just spent a little over 200 on tires for the car I think I may wait a bit on the window frame. I am kind of hoping that one can just take the glass out and replace the frame.

Quick update because I slept in and have things to do before work.

I was sick last night. Something I ate just did not agree with me. I felt it near the end of work but it didn't really hit me until I got home. Finally fell asleep around 1:00 and then slept in until a little after 11. Feeling somewhat better. Now just need to find some food.

Tomorrow is the day we may or may not receive our new entertainment center that we ordered last week. It is made of real wood and still somewhat has piers on both sides of where the TV goes. It saddened me a little when I heard that style went out and that most of the stands are basically expensive dressers. Also apparently wood working has really been outsourced and maybe only about 5% of the wood working is local. Just sad. I still aim to have a wood shop some day. With this addition to our furniture we are one more piece closer to having a home...at least that is the way I look at it. :)

Time to go and make a copy of a key. Weee!

Rollercoaster Weekend

Boy, this weekend was all over the place.

First we will start with my bike. Travis brought his own tools in on Friday and replaced my bad gasket cover for my bike. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to put the clutch cable in because it was a few centimeters short and he tried all he could to get it to work. He suggested I return the cable. So, Saturday I forgot that I didn't have to go into work until 3pm which meant I had a couple extra hours where nothing was planned. That in itself was nice...but back to the bike. I decided to try to return the cable. I went into Wheels Inc. (the Kawasaki dealer) and before I was actually helped one of the older employees thought it would be good to bruise my pride while being completely oblivious to the reason I was there. If my needs would have been met and I didn't actually need something from him I would have caused a little scene. I was just little bit pissed off. Anyways, he eventually told me that the cable they ordered for me had to be the right one since everything on the computer suggests it. The old cable was a generic cable made by united parts where as the new cable is an actual Kawasaki brand. So I told him I would try it myself and if I still couldn't get it I would bring it in Monday (at that time I would engage in revenge for the treatment). Well I wired it through the bike and tried like crazy to get it to work. I tried pretty much all I could think of also with the same outcome as Trav. It seemed like if I had a few more centimeters that I would be able slide the cable over the catch and get it to latch. Luckily, I had Trav's bike in my garage as well so I had something to compare with. After a bit of brain work it finally clicked. I need to disengage the clutch in order to gain that little bit of length that I was required. Only issue was that I didn't have the right tools and the clutch is a pretty tough thing to disengage by hand. So, I grabbed a long handled ratchet wrench and used both hands to pull the clutch towards me. The only issue was that I was too weak to keep the clutch disengaged with one hand. It was as if the only way I could make it work was if I had a third hand. So, I called Katrina for assistance. Boy did that work like a dream. I put on gloves just in case the improper tool slipped. I disengaged the clutch and let Kat know when to slide the cable into place. I pulled away the tool and blamo! The clutch cable was installed. I made sure to test it out by driving to work and both the clutch and myself made it there and back in one piece...each. Positive!

I worked Saturday. Negative!

I ate lunch today with Justin after finding that we were all out of cereal. Positive!?

Katrina called me on her way back from the cities to let me know that she had a flat tire on the car about 162 miles away from Moorhead. Not so Positive!

I didn't accomplish much on my day off but plan on doing dishes before work or tonight while I wait to hear from Kat that all is well. Meh!

MotorGuardSchoolWorkFamily

For those out there wondering what happened with the motorcycle class...I passed the written and course exam by 100%. I then proceeded to the ID card place to retake the written for the permit and found quickly that you need to answer exactly with what is in the book instead of what would be the best answer. So I am waiting to go in and retake that. Once I pass that permit test and can turn in this little card and get my license.

My bike is still in my garage waiting for the clutch cable to be installed. I was thinking about doing it myself but Trav said he could do it for me. I trust him slightly more with motorcycle repair than I trust myself. As soon as the clutch cable is in I can then set up an appointment to have my gasket cover put in.

I am now officially out of the National Guard. I attended my final drill this last weekend and turned in the gear that was needed. I now have 9 months where I sit on a national call list. Apparently I can avoid the letter for 2 months before they start becoming very persistent. Hopefully I won't have to worry about it. Although, if it happens then it happens and I serve just a little longer. The benefits of being deployed are not too horrible. Plus, with Katrina in the states, we will be able to save more than last time.

School starts soon. Unfortunately, now that I am not attached to my unit I no longer qualify for Federal Tuition Assistance and State Tuition Reimbursement. I do qualify for chapter 33 which still pays 60% of almost everything school related and even housing. So I guess this is the military's way of letting me down gently. Chapter 33 only lasts 3 more years so for the last 2 I will be paying for school like everyone else...with loans.

Work is being work and I am really glad to be going part-time. There is way too much of a mess looming above our heads and they are expecting us to do more than we have the people for. The last few days we have been consistently working 2 hours of overtime and that isn't even including what they expect us all to add into our processes yet. I feel sorry for Justin. He works so hard and he was already fairly worn from installing carpet this last weekend.

Speaking of, a good friend of mine told me that this city steals people's souls and they become very self-centered and money oriented with very little sight for family. After some thought I realize how true that is. At first I thought it was NDSU since I noticed it happening when I first started there in 2004. However, I now see that it is the city and the convenience of it all. Things were so different growing up in the country. Family was important as was the time spent with them. So in honor of regaining some family connection Katrina and I have decided to make Sunday "Family Day". I am pretty excited for this and trying to recapture my heart and soul.

Good Luck all on your upcoming endeavors!

Friday July 30th

Yeah, original title, I know.

Today, Travis is moving up to Fargo but before he gets here there are a few things I want to try to finish. I need to stop by the ID card place to have my motorcycle permit renewed for the last time. We need to stop by our respective schools and drop off our verification forms since we both were selected for verification. Then later today I have my motorcycle classes beginning. Sunday is the last day and hopefully I will have my license by then. Now I just need my clutch cable to get in so I can turn that in.

In cleaning-up related news, bedroom is now rearranged and next will be the living room again. I am passing off a couple pieces of furniture for Travis so that will help out a bit. I am also considering gathering up old games, movies, and books that we don't watch or won't be of use later and selling them on Amazon. I need to grab some game cases when I go home next weekend and then I can start organizing. Maybe I will even find those games I am missing.

Making Progress...also? (Reference)

Well I finally beat back the beast that is procrastination and organized the furniture in the office. Next is the bedroom which requires the clothing situation to be figured out first. We are getting there but there may need to get here a lot sooner with my family coming up tomorrow to move Travis in. At least I ave tomorrow off. I will be starting day one of the motorcycle training classes. Woo! Soon I will be able to do legally what I have been doing illegally since I first sat on a motorcycle when I was just a little guy.

Dreamer

Thinking about making a Photo album on Facebook that has images poorly put together to represent all of the ideas I have for business ventures in the furture. They change quite often and as such s will the album. I guess I will just throw that on the projects to be completed. I hope to have that list down to zero by the 20th of next month.

Looming Ahead

I feel like this is something I should be counting down. Within a few weeks I will be leaving the ranks of active guard duty and entering a new phase in my military occupation. Starting mid-August I will enter a national list of soldiers biding their time with their fingers crossed. For 9 months I can be attached to any unit that needs a body. Luckily, much to my semi-regret, I chose an MOS that was more brawn than brain and as such makes it much less likely that I will be pulled from the list for a deployment. They say that people around 8 months are safe so I feel fairly comfortable having 9.

Also upcoming, I will soon be returning to school. For those that haven't heard yet, I am starting the 5-year program of Architecture. It was something I enjoyed being part of when I assisted an ex-girlfriend. She wouldn't let me try it out back then since she wanted me to do "my own thing" but now I am finally able to push forward with it and am pretty excited. This first year is a sort of test year and it will decide if I am to actually be accepted into the program. The place I work for currently is great with students. They are letting me drop down to Part-time during school which will really help. It will definitely assist in helping balance school, home, and work. There are days I wonder what it would be like to have a regular job again where I work during the beginning portion of the day and actually have my nights off. I miss enjoying nights but during school I will have that opportunity once my homework is complete.

Funny Fact: I look up to Brad Pitt for his success in both architecture and acting. Someday it would be great to reach that level of success. Aim for the stars!

Massive Update

Goodness, I have just been putting this whole blog thing off for a while but I figured I better get to it with it being Thursday and all.

Sad news, Dutch passed away the other day. My parents said that it looked like a woodchuck out maneuvered him. Dutch was 15 years old and just didn't have the reflexes he used to. Even so both Dutch and Bear protected the farm from apparent dangers. Bunnies and cats no longer made their list of dangers to the family. He was found dead by my grandpa while my parents were out camping. Dad says that if he would have been home he would have been out there with a shotgun and the whole situation could have possible been avoided. Dutch was a good dog and even in his old age and breathing problems still acted like a pup. He now joins his family on the other side.

We also now have brought back Iris. Ma was sad to see her go. They do sure grow on you after a while. Iris is still adjusting to the apartment but if we are up super late she comes out of hiding and begs us to play with her. I think I was up until 4am last night so I was able to hang out with her quite a bit.

Last week I finally received my title for my motorcycle in the mail so I was able to go ahead and change states. With the new plates on, I have been making good use of this wonderful weather. Kat and I even went for a little motorcycle ride last night and stopped by Kroll's for a couple cups of hot chocolate. She definitely would like a helmet that has a visor though. She was using a fairly old helmet I grabbed from home that has the old snap on visor...only it was missing the visor. Maybe this weekend we can check out what is out there. Someone told me that my style helmet was fairly cheap right now.

The 60 day was much better than the 30 day. Not only did it help by going their with a better attitude about the whole thing but they also provided better classes from what I saw in the ones we took. With my better attitude I was able to talk with and joke around with the other soldiers instead of Kat and I doing our best to keep to ourselves. We also used the GPS to take us there and back. We made it into quite an adventure by making it recalculate quite often by deciding not to take turns when it wanted us to. It was a wonderful trip.

Work is turning into quite a roller coaster ride. The mood of the day shift and management has slowly been changing since my return. They seem to be drifting away from their team idea and working more towards individuals and setting up systems that will make it easy to pick someone out and fire them. We have a meeting tonight but more and more I am feeling like I should be looking for something better suited for my schooling although the hospitals health care is fairly decent. Although, I think I am eligible for government health care now because of the whole 30% disability thing. I guess I need to sit down with my case manager and go through a few things. Who knows, maybe they know some jobs out there in the building business.

School is also fast approaching and both Kat and I need to turn in verification of our taxes for the FAFSA. Kat has had to verify every year, but this is my first time. Tonight I need to make copies of our taxes at work so we can send those out. I also need to jump on the FTA and STR so I can have that financial help for school. All and all I am pretty excited to start the courses and although it won't be super in-depth right away I am glad to be returning to the pursuit of scholastic knowledge.

That is is for this update I guess...I am sure there are quite a few things I missed but I will do my best to stay on top of it in the future. :)

Incoming Holiday

Not sure if I posted this yet but we have decided to chock the Xbox 360 off as a loss. It may still be out there somewhere but if it is no one knows where and no one can seem to dig it up. Last time anyone has any memory of it was when we were all moving out. It was double bagged into a grocery bag. The tent is also a loss since no one has any memory of any sort of lead.

July 4th sneaked (although snuck is widely accepted I found that it is not actually the proper word) up on us. We were caught without a single firework in the apartment. I am planning on calling an old friend and finally writing a letter to the family in San Fran as a celebration. Katrina works Sunday until 6pm so we will be grilling out on Saturday at our spot in Moorhead. I am going to use more coals this time so we don't have to group the hot dogs so close together. Also, making sure that we don't buy cheese dogs for the grill. :)

Thinking about making an excel document to help remember events and occurrences of friends and family to battle my unreliable memory. I feel that all too often I ask the same questions over and over. Well, that is it for now. Time to fill gas, pay the monthly due on a loan, eat something, then go to work.

Boy, I am completing quite a it of errands but still have more to go. Today I requested a duplicate title for my bike so I can switch it over to ND and then hopped over to start my STR (State Tuition Reimbursement) for school.. I also deposited two checks and am finally able to clear out the line of credit once again. We made a trip to best buy this morning and bought a GPS unit. Which will come in handy when we make that road trip to California. :) We also helped Trav out a bit with his resume and showing him where Preference Personnel was...it is like only a block from us! Unfortunately, there isn't really much open for small engines right now but they told him that they would keep looking and keep him informed. I really hope he can find something. If not in small engines at least some sort of decent labor job. Warehouses pay decently. ;) He would like to find something up here in Fargo so he can be closer to his girlfriend. Ah, as is life. :)

In other news, still waiting on federal tax check. We had a little false hope when a check from the VA came since they both come from the US Treasury in Austin, TX. I am also still trying to muster the will power to measure the apartment so I can add an accurate model into Sketch-up. I will be creating furniture and all. :)

Tomorrow, I plan on doing all the cleaning and organizing I was thinking about doing this weekend.

Oh and Congrats again to Josh and Ashely Will for the Marriage this weekend. It was a very lovely ceremony and I really liked the idea of the two of them each pouring sand from two glass containers into one. Makes a nice memento. There were other things that were a bit different about the wedding that I enjoyed but that was the most prominent.

Again: Not So Bad

Like Katrina says, I must jut be psyching myself out. I went to work today and instead of going with the whole "Nope, can't do it" attitude I just worked with my boss and we did it. Then for most of my shift I worked on returns. My boss suggested that I really consider applying for the Lead position and told me that they would be more than willing to work with me during the school year. He even mentioned that if I think it may become too busy that I could even go for the Charge position which basically handles the Lead position when the Lead is out. After speaking with the Head boss today, I am almost thinking about it. It seems like they are really willing to work with me and with the military coming to an end this is actually the first manager-type role that I won't have to turn down because of drills and extended leave for military reasons.

In other news, my mind is already entering the architecture phase even though no real class has been taken. Last night I had a dream of what I referred to as "Zen Building" and was speaking with someone about the basic principle in my dream. Only I was using a captured spider being released into an already spider infested to show the main thought behind it. (Yes, it was an actual spider that I captured and released in a web covered stairway. I came out with a few baby spiders crawling around my shoulder)I went back and checked out Zen Architecture which, albeit, has a minor change from the idea I was going through but it still keeps the overall concept. Must have been a great dream though because I slept in fairly late.

Slight

Feeling a slight bit of stress now. I volunteered for this extra duty at work because I had a feeling I was going to be volun-told by the head boss anyway. The stress comes from how I felt after my first day and how much free-time I have after my second. I foresee that going to school full-time and working full-time will be extremely difficult. Add that extra training and duties then the stress will just fester and build up making a very unhealthy Justin. I am going to talk to my boss today about it and suggest, against my enthusiasm, that someone else will be better suited since once school starts I am most likely going to want to go Part-time.

Not So Bad

Well, the 30-Day didn't turn out to be completely horrible. Kat was able to meet with some wives and I was able to visit some people that I actually wanted to visit with. I also was able to mostly avoid the people I didn't want to talk with or even see. My down attitude turned around quickly as I met so many others that were happy. I figured that was going to happen. I would say the atmosphere overall was joyous which definitely made the trip much better...even though we arrived 1 hour late because of the 2 hour detour extravaganza. Next time we will be taking the old way back instead of the suggested way.

In other news, I am set up with physical therapy for my shoulder/ankle. I was told at the assessment that I have some arthritis setting in inside my right foot and potentially in my shoulder which also may have a slight case of tendinitis. Fun stuff. At least I found that I can be put on orders for today's visit which means I can be paid for going to an appointment. Overall I enjoy going there because it gives me a chance to put some smiles on a few people I don't normally see.

The 30 Day

The day is finally upon me where I must once again cut my hair and put on the uniform. As I go through my military e-mails I can't help but feel a sense of hatred toward the unit and all of the rank. Maybe it has something to do with them never working so hard to answer my questions or completely ignoring them all together. However, when they need something of me it is super urgent and they will fight tooth and nail until they get a response. The higher rank also has a tendency to be moody and very self-serving. Soon I will pull out the razor and find my uniform. Then wake up Katrina and drive to this less than thrilling event. I feel I made the right choice to leave this unit and will be happy once my military contract ends and real life can begin.

Grounded

Well, I have finally decided to use this short time to wind down and take care of a few things I have been neglecting before having my drill date and starting work. Granted money has left us with really no other option than to quit driving around the country-side for a little while. Seeing family members and friends definitely was fun but if all the events didn't happen within a couple months after I returned I would not have complained. Then again a larger chunk of the small amount of saved up money did go towards our new used-vehicle. Now to consider spending more money to register the Blazer, Blue Buick, and Motorcycle (Switching states).

In other news, I have a Hospital visit tomorrow with the VA to go over my claims. It consists of three 15 minute visits that are scheduled one after the other. I guess it will be quick. The full exams for health and dental are yet to be scheduled. I am hoping that these appointments do not find themselves in the way of my work schedule.

Covering Distance

Why is social interaction so fleeting. I am no stranger to this. Ever since I returned I keep telling myself that I need to write a response to my relatives in San Fransisco. I am neglecting a bond that grew over a short time and from the letters I have received I can tell that they think that I don't care for communication with them anymore. Communication is so important in so many different types of relationships. I know I need to work on it. I also know that I need to figure out how to fix some damaged relationships with people I have considered friends but lack the confirmation of a true friendship. Maybe tomorrow morning I should just sit down and take the time to write a couple letters. I have the stamps and the envelopes so really I have no excuse to why I should continue to neglect what I want so much to do.

Victory

Well, sort of. The city auction was a flop. Out of the five vehicles I was interested in only one wasn't wrecked. The one that was in great condition was an old K-9 vehicle and even still had the dog kennel in the back. It had only 109,000 miles on it and it was a 1999. Average for '99 is 132,000. The one thing against it...not 4-wheel drive vehicle. We decided to leave since there was nothing left that either grandpa or I wanted to go for. The trip wasn't a complete failure. I was able to spend quality time with my grandfather and just talk. It was pretty fun. We even compared our military experiences before and after.

From there timing was all pretty much perfect. Grandpa arrived home in time to take Grandma to her hair appointment, I made it back in time to finish up an auction, and now will even be able to make Katrina's performance.

Oh, what? I mentioned another auction? Oh, yeah, that ol' thing. Well in the background I had a sort of plan b in progress just in case I didn't fancy what was found at the city auction. My family found this blazer for me on a online auction site that stores their stuff within driving distance. So, the auction finished at 6:00pm and I made it back to the apartment by 5:30pm. I saw there was a battle that happened yesterday (including my bidding number) and that there was only one bidder today. So I decided to hold my breath until 4 minutes to and then swoop in for the kill. Well it wasn't that graceful. I tried to swoop but "bam!" he had a hidden maximum bid. Now my breath holding seemed to be in vain since he was still in the lead and there was less than a minute left. He also sat firmly on my maximum bid that Kat and I discussed earlier. With only a few seconds to spare I quickly texted Katrina asking if we could go a little more and she said 2150 would be fine. I typed it in so fast I thought I was outbid again and in despair I sent a text saying that I think he set his max at 2300. Well...I was wrong! Woot! I won the Blazer at 2150 at the last second. Now I can call tomorrow morning to see if the invoice is ready so I can pick it up. Otherwise, I will have to wait until after Taxes are done on Monday.

Now to sell the two Buick Park Avenues and to see if we can transfer part of the tan buick's coverage over to the blazer. There is much to do. Until all is done I think we will be driving our current cars. The one thing I am not looking forward to is registration fees. *blek*

Auctioned

Well, tomorrow I head off to a City Auction to try to find a vehicle to replace our tan Buick Park Avenue. I leave tomorrow morning at 6am for Madison so I can pick-up my grandpa who was nice enough to go with as a ride-a-long. Let me tell you, it is tough finding a ride-a-long for an auction during the day on a Friday. Thinking about wearing my new boots tomorrow. :)

All-in-all I am about ready to work since money is starting to look tight for the two more months that I have to stretch it. Starting Mid-Late June seems to be the best option. Thinking about starting Bio-life but looks like my days on that are limited too. Bachelor party next week so if I am to start the draw I would have to do it Tuesday. Taxes are Monday, Bachelor Party starts Wednesday, and Graduation Friday.

Above all else I really need to finish the apartment and garage. I have been working at it very slowly since it slightly intimidates me. Next week I will be the intimidation. I hope you are ready for this apartment.

I'm Melting...melting...

Holy goodness was I on fire tonight. First off, I had so much trouble just trying to fall asleep. Then my best guess is that my metabolism kicked in from all the meat I ate at the Wills' residence. I actually had to push Katrina away I was heating up so badly. I pushed all of the blankets off and still was giving off an insane amount of heat. So I got up for a glass of water and was sweating just standing in the kitchen. 20 minutes later I sit here typing this blog only slightly cooling off. I feel a wave of heat once and a while but can definitely feel that I am beginning to cool. Especially over the last few nights I have been having an issue with my heat while I sleep. It has been gradually getting worse and now it is keeping me awake. My best bet is to just stay awake since it is already 4:42am.

Maybe this is a great time to set-up my google/cosi.com schedule. :)

Victory Hard

The literal translation of my last name is Victory Hard otherwise known as Hard Victory. This feat I am about to embark on will definitely not be easy but a victory is needed indeed.

I spent most of the night planning, scheduling, and calculating classes and Grade Point Averages. It looks like it is possible to reach that 3.3 mark but I am going to have to retake a few classes. Two of them I have to turn from D's into A's or B's and two of them I have to switch from F's to A's or B's. The majority of those retakes need to be A's. The 4 credit F most definitely must be an A. Only issue is...that 4 credit class from MSUM conflicts with other classes and isn't offered in the Spring. This presents a slight issue since if I am not able to retake that class this Fall then I will not be able to reach that 3.3 GPA. The good news is that Katrina seems to think that I can make a deal with the sensei. He can give me the option to conduct an independent study and possibly put it down as Beginning Japanese I which in turn would be a retake and change that mar I left on my record. Looks like this victory will be hard indeed and will for sure rely on prayer and good souls.

Edit: Forgot to take into account that I will be taking additional classes. However, it looks like it still will be possible but I am going to have to work my butt off. If I can pull out A's from those retakes and somehow continue an A streak across the grid I will end up with a 3.438. Won't be easy but I am ready for it.

Student Again

I have been accepted as a student once again. I received my re-acceptance letter from NDSU on Saturday. The route I have chosen is going to be long and tough but if I succeed it will be well worth it for the future of my family to come. I am going for the architecture degree, which in itself will be quite challenging. My first year back is a sort of review year. After that year the department decides if I can continue or not. They usually have about 160-175 applicants and they only accept around 54. The cut-off GPA is only a 3.3 but after the shenanigans I pulled my last semester at NDSU I am really going to have to dedicate myself. I have a few classes that I received an F for that I can retake to bring my GPA back up from the current 2.865. It will be close but I have faith in myself and my abilities. I know that I can do anything if I dedicate myself. I also have my heart back so as long as I continue to keep my aim high I will succeed. Now to convince my Architecture adviser that I can do it.

In other news: Project 1 pass, Project 2 fail, now throwing away scrap that I could now use for the wood projects I had in mind.

Lengthy Update

It has been a while so I am going to try to post a few things that have been happening.

We are still in the moving-in process. Currently boxes, totes, and half-organized piles are strewn about the apartment. Thanks to some help from Justin Will, we now at least have all of our furniture inside. Thanks to U-Haul, we also have an empty storage unit. It looks like the biggest project to come is deciding what to get rid of.

Speaking of harboring, I gave myself a week to build something with the random scraps I have out in the garage. If I didn't complete something in a week I promised Katrina that I would throw it out. The main issue I am running into is tool sets being incomplete. I have an electric drill that is missing its battery and charging base. I also have a jigsaw that is missing the pack of blades. I know I saw the blades in a box somewhere...now just need to find them.

I found myself in a funk the other day after eating at a filthy Dairy Queen that had a crew of workers that kept screwing up and after browsing through stores that were disorganized and just plain messy. I was getting the feeling that all the people working were just there for the money and didn't actually care about the job. That showed in the respective work areas and general cleanliness. To get out of the funk we went out to eat at Chili's. It was surprisingly relaxing. As we walked up to Chili's the seater even opened the door for us. It was a nice atmosphere and everything was clean. The only thing I felt missing was the ability to hail your waiter instead of waiting for them to come by. That was one nice thing about Japanese restaurants. When you wanted the waiter you would just put your hand up and say "Sumimasen" to which you would here the reply "Hai" and would promptly be greeted by a waiter.

Today, I need to meet with a bunch of people and drive around a bit. Speaking of which...if any of you know of a nice car around $2000 we are looking to replace the demon car that Katrina drives. The horn finally decided to have one more fit and would not stop like it has in the past. Thankfully, a neighbor had their brother over working on a car so he came over and helped us unplug the horns. The time had come to sell my two Buick Park Avenues and buy something decent for Katrina.

Not It

So I looked up the show today and the way it sounds is that the building project is already on its way. It would have been nice to help out the community and someone in need but from the pictures, from the Minot project, it looks like they did very well and built a wonderful home for the family. It would have been nice to be able to help out with the building but I suppose it is better to have people with actual construction experience. They used Heritage Homes, a local home building company that specializes in homes around 150,000 to 170,000. If I remember right I recently met with an agent of theirs as we were looking at a model home. We told her our story and she told us theirs. It seemed like they were doing very well yet expanding both sides of he river. There was even a zoning map for the projected addition to Horizon Shores that is well on its way. It looked pretty decent but it is too bad that the only way the city can grow is over farmland. If we end up staying here we will have to make sure to make good use of this fertile soil. A small garden will be a must.

Now I just wait for Amy to call back to see what she has in store for me. I think my excitement has dwindled since I feel I missed the supposed opportunity she was speaking of. I called back and no answer so I left her a message.

Edit:
Hilarity ensues: Turns out that the phone call was a classic case of wrong phone number. Apparently she was trying to reach a Jesse Allen that works for case. When I called she said, in summary, "Siegert? Is that with an f?" "Nope, that is with an S" "Hmmm, have you ever worked here before?" "Nope." "What did I call you about?" All and all it was pretty hilarious. I hope Jesse Allen didn't miss his opportunity.

Intriguing Message

I went looking for my phone and upon finding it I noticed I missed a call from an unknown phone number here in Fargo. This in itself is not unusual since I often leave my phone when I go somewhere in a hurry. The unusual part is in the contents of the voice mail. The message went something like this: "Hello Justin this is Amy from Case/New Holland and I have an opportunity for you." First thing that struck me is who is Amy and how did she get my new number. Katrina thinks it may have something to do with the military since a bunch of guys just got back and maybe even something to do with a TV show that may be coming to town soon. Second thing is why is Case/New Holland calling me? As far as I know they are an agricultural and construction equipment provider. The whole thing has me intrigued with a mix of nervousness and excitement. I tried calling her back this evening and got her answering machine at work. I am going to call as soon as I wake up. If Kat is right about and it turns out it is for the show then it would indeed be a nice opportunity considering the line of schooling I am looking at pursuing. Tomorrow will tell.

Long Time

So yeah, it sure has been a while since I tossed a blog in the air. We are still unpacking and creating new ideas for the arrangement of rooms. I have so much to do outside the home yet but for some reason I would just like to focus on the inside. Maybe I feel that way because it was nice and clean until I came home and brought in a bunch of boxes. Looking better everyday though.

In other news, the weather is definitely warming up. We played Settlers of Catan on the balcony last night after we enjoyed supper and a show in the same location. Our balcony is big enough to fit a card table and at least 3 chairs with plenty of room. It is in the low 70's again and I have about 30 minutes until Katrina is done with class. Sounds like a perfect time to try to roller blades again. May not be a good idea with my ankle but I am not one to remain caged.

A Busy Return

So much to do and the hours fly by so fast. Trying to squeeze the contents of a house into a tiny apartment is no small feat. With a storage unit of boxes left and the apartment a mess from previously opened boxes one can only wonder if it is possible. Most likely I will have to get rid of a lot of furniture. That in itself won't be too difficult since well over half of the furniture we have was found and free. What does one do with it though. It would be easy to save it and store it for someone else to use but it would be just as easy to toss it out and pretend like it never existed. Either way I can't really do too much at the moment since I lack the truck or the trailer to move the larger pieces from the storage.

All in all I await the day that all the boxes are unpacked and I can actually conduct an accurate budget with a normal monthly routine. Granted, with all he traveling I have been doing recently that also needs to cool down for a return to normal to be possible.

Road Entry

I am writing this entry from the front of a coach bus as we travel the long road home from Fort McCoy. Before this moment the return home didn’t hit me. Most others were feeling joy and excitement where I just felt numb. I figured I just wasn’t going to feel anything until I was able to finally relax at home in civilian attire. However, as I look out the window and see all the townsfolk welcoming us home I cannot help but feel overwhelming joy. This is the kind of joy that brings tears to the eyes. As I type I am fighting the tears pretty heavily. It feels like we have done a great service to our country and I actually now feel that I have contributed to the freedom of each person we pass by. We each wave and each smile it grows harder to hold it in. While over there I didn’t feel like I was doing much for the country itself. I can tell I am not the only one feeling heightened feelings. The jokers are cracking jokes left and right as that is their way to lighten the mode so they don’t have to face the realism of the event. Before we started seeing mass amounts of people they were all quiet but as soon as their eyes met ours their voices became louder. I wonder how hard these emotions are going to be to contain when I am standing face to face with the loved ones waiting for me. I think the reason it hits me so hard is because this is the second moment that I really felt human kindness and the first one changed me so much. I think this will be my most memorable birthday for a long time.

April 2nd, 2010

Packed

Well, first off, my internet once again has become limited. The internet in my room ran out and so I have to walk over to a cyber cafe in order to browse. Which is fine since we are leaving soon. I already packed my bags. Even my computer is all put away just so I am ready when the time comes.

In a couple of weeks I will be home enjoying the flooding that is occurring. We will see how I feel. I know I may get behind a few sandbags but I also am going to want some time away from the general population. I know that my view has changed and my prior-to-deployment hatred for stupid people has only increased throughout this year long journey. I think when I return home I will write a post about my experiences here.

Wonderful Weather

This short post is dedicated to the wonderful weather we have been having the last couple days. It has been cool and cloudy for 2 days now. Mmmmm, my favorite. Apparently it rained yesterday short a short while. I can only imagine that I will be entering the states with cool and cloudy weather with a slight chance of rain. :)

The Clouds Attack

The desert weather is so weird. Apparently the wind can blow from any direction. The last few days the direction of the wind has been slowly making a 360. I would say at this moment it has performed at least a 180. (Would that be an "an" or since it is a number does it stay an "a"?) At least the wind we are now getting is cool instead of warm. Without regard of the temperature the wind still likes to make us eat sand. What a bully.

Horizon

Well, with my last mission finally over I have now started to count the days until I am out of this country. The date isn't set yet but the general range is around the end of the month. At first I actually thought I might make it home on my birthday. Then, I heard the news that someone posted some hard dates on Facebook and FRG became pissed off and contacted the CSM. Well, in turn, he became angry and said that he could move the dates left or right. I may once again not be home until the second week in April. At least all I really have left to do here is turn in my stuff and clean. It may seem silly but I may also try to finish those letters I have been putting off. Maybe I can even beat them home. How fun would that be? ;)

Haggle

Well, I conducted my first haggle finally. I was a bit too nice about I think and could have gone much lower. In the end we both had a smile on our face so I think it was an ok first haggling.

It went like this:
"Hey, if I were to buy both of these could I get a package deal? Maybe something like 10 dollars off. That would make it 80."
"No sir, set price. 90 for the two."
"Really, you won't go down to 80? 10 dollars off?
"Hmmmm, ok how about 86?"
"Ehhh, no, 80?"
"84"
"Hmmm, how about 80?"
"Ok sir, you got me. 80 it is."

All and all I think he still made a large profit but I was ok with it. I should have really worked it better and started lower at first to meet him in the middle. Maybe I will return to that store again before I leave and try another "dance of the salesman."

Phantasmagoria

In searching for the correct word I wanted to use to describe this post I happened upon a word that described more. This word seemed to hold the essence of my being. Here is the dictionary.com definition:

phantasmagoria\fan-taz-muh-GOR-ee-uh\ , noun;

1. A shifting series or succession of things seen or imagined, as in a dream.

2. Any constantly changing scene.

I can see either or both throughout my life. However, this post comes around predominantly through the voice of the second entrance. Once again I find myself loosing sight of a chosen path. The edges of the road become over-run with grass and vines. Ahead of me, I see a clearing. Beneath my feet one path has now become many and once again I must rest. Standing on the side and looking as far as I can to see which one I shall follow. Peering into the distance is not as easy as it used to be. This cross road must be correct though, for I am reliving instances again. Meeting people I have met before yet never before have we met. It was different this time. Usually, I can remember bits of how I reacted but am stunned in the moment so I just watch and let it happen. This time I found comfort and instead of being stunned I just smiled and absorbed the moment. If anyone noticed me in the brief few seconds I most likely would have seemed creepy...normal for me I guess.

Anyways, back to my post. I am unsure of what major/career path I want to follow. I was hard set on architecture and still somewhat am. The issue is that negatives are starting to show up and uncertainty is rising. I think once I can get home and visit college again I can make a better decision. This decision doesn't only effect me but will effect my family in the future.

Not Cool

When will I learn to not try to be cool. When someone tries to get me to return them some kind of flashy greeting with a series of contact gestures with the hand I should just say "Hey, I'm not cool so I am not going to try to make a fool of myself. A good ol' fashion handshake will do."

There are three outstanding instances that I can recall where I made a total fool of myself while trying to be cool. One time a camp we had to lead a blindfolded person around obstacles and such. Well I thought I could impress one of the cooler kids by showing him how strong I was. I put his hand in the armpit of my elbow and flexed as hard as I could while trying to crush his hand. All he said was "What are you doing?" Yep, fool.

In high school I went with some friends to meet some older kids in Dawson. They say hey and I introduced myself with the most embarrassing hand gesture. I bumped my chest with my fist twice, bounced my fist off my forehead while slightly bowing, and shot the fist off my forehead while sticking out my pointer finger like some sort of forehead rocket. Fool.

Recently I was training this incoming CET. They thought I was a pretty good guy. At the end of the day the TC and I expressed our goodbyes. It started with him initiating a fist-bump which I turned into a fist-bump-clumsy-handshake combo that had us both so confused that he said "Are you alright?" I thought about blaming it on being tired since we were out training from 1000 to 0200 but I didn't feel tired at the moment. I wanted to say "Nope, I am just retarded." I didn't see that one going well. So I just said "Yep." and left, once again, as the fool.

One day I will learn. I think the problem is that people should just stop giving me compliments because it seems like when they do I always prove them wrong. Although, insulting me doesn't work either. :P Just let me do what I do with minor acknowledgment. Maybe that will keep me from acting the fool.

Wait For It....

...oops, too late. My camera is back in the bay charging. Missed the moment.

Today would have been the perfect day for a picture opportunity. On the way to the range we had a herd of camel crossing the road through our convoy. Three camels cut me off. I had to sit there and wait while three giant beasts lazily crossed the desert path. In the mean time I couldn't help but think, "This had to be the day I decided to charge my camera." They were mere feet from the front of my vehicle. I had a clear view of the troop of bouncing lower lips. It will be well in my memory for years. All in all, it was pretty cool.

Color by Number

So, we were out at the range today as safeties andthe morning sun was beginning to rise. In the distance the sky was looking a bit strange. Maybe it only looked strange because I have always been surrounded by either buildings or berms. Out on the range I could see for many many miles. The colors of orange with a deep purple stretched across the horizon. At first it was a slow creep but as soon as the orange color reached the sky above me we were swallowed by a sandstorm. It wasn't one of those super windy sandstorms that blew grains into your eyes. It was one of those subtle sandstorms and carried the finest sands that you barely can feel. Visibility was decreasing drastically and I could feel it getting tougher to breath. The range was canceled and we our way back home in the SUV. The strangest thing was the color differences. When outside for even a few seconds your eyes adjust and the environment looks normal. As soon as you look into a building with lights on all you see is blue. When you enter it takes a lot longer for your eyes to adjust back and everything keeps a blue tint. When you go to head back out you really see how orange it is out there. It was pretty cool. I tried to get it on camera but I don't think it came out as well as I wanted it to. The camera seemed to adjust to the color change faster than my eyes.

Sleep Eludes Me

I was pretty tired last night and passed out around 0200 but then woke up around 0600. I just laid in bed for a couple hours either trying to fall asleep or convince myself to go eat. Neither of those things happened. So now I sit here in bed typing a post instead. With the DFAC now closed my breakfast choices are limited. KFC is open and in about 10 minutes or so Subway will be open as well. 10 minutes is about enough time to walk to either location. You convinced me, Subway it is.

The rest of my day will consist of finishing my 1750's (military packing list) for two of my bags, attempting to finish letters now that I can't receive anymore, cleaning my space a bit, soaking my weapon and start a good cleaning on it, and of course playing some more Guitar Hero. I still am going back and forth on sending this tote in the mail or with the conex. I won't see the tote for 3 months if I send it by conex. If I send it by mail there is a possibility of it getting lost completely. The conex needs a complete 1750 and will be inspected and packed away earlier. Mail needs a general idea of contents and can be sent pretty much anytime. If I send it in the mail I can keep my comfy blanket that I have been using here. Not sure yet, tough decision.

Edit: Apparently Subway didn't open until 1000 so the Triple Whopper took its place. Now I feel disgusting and don't want to move. lol...blek

Oooh...Tricky

Looks like the weather likes to play games over here too. I totally thought it was going to continue to warm up. Looks like I might have to start wearing pants again instead of athletic shorts. Although, it does get pretty warm during the day. I am just thakful that the little bit of blowing sand we have had barely compares to what it was like when we arrived. Shoot, that reminds me. I have to write this month's report soon. Hopefully it will be the last one :)

In the End

No matter how much I cringe at the thought I cannot disagree with where our future may be going. Many movies put America and China as the two last countries in the future. some movies even put the world as a mixture of the two. Looking at the size and power both possess I can actually see it happening. I would rather have Japan raise up but I know that is unlikely. Maybe I just don't know much about the Chinese government. Maybe my ignorance cause distrust and dislike for the prospect of China and America mixing.

Mosquitoes?

Ok, first of all, it really surprised me to see mosquitoes thriving in a desert environment. I mean, is it possible for the eggs to just lie dormant until a little bit of rain comes? I know for certain these mosquitoes aren't alive come summer. They weren't here when we got here. However, it is nice that I get used to these little buggers before I get back home. It is just a little annoying in this kind of atmosphere to have something so pesky biting you and swarming around your head. I already have a good bunch of bites and expect to have quite a few more.

As It Was, It Will Be

The weather is returning to how it was when we first arrived. The temperature is warming and the wind is blowing. Sandstorms are becoming common here and visibility is making it hard to travel or end up making a 4 day trip turn into a 6-7 day trip. Soon it will be over and I will be home enjoying a different kind of weather. I myself probably have 1-2 missions left since I was promoted to a different position since my original Team Leader is now working on something else. I have a feeling things are going to get hectic pretty quick here.

The Organization

So I have been debating with myself on whether or not I should post this. Mainly because if it isn't just my paranoia and it actually is true then I didn't want to let them know that I actually looked into it.

A while back I started thinking that I am going to really miss the feeling that I was protecting a bunch of people after my contract with the military is through. Not too long after I talked with Katrina about this, I received two e-mails a few days apart saying that they needed qualified people for this organization. They mentioned all the bonuses, the pay scales, and the work-load/hours per week. They even mentioned the training location that one would go to prior to being accepted. At first I dismissed it as junk mail but then started thinking about that conversation I had. So I decided to go directly to the organizations website to see the validity of the e-mail. Low and behold all the information was the same so it seemed like those e-mails were intended for the recipient. I thought about the possibility but then I reminded myself how much I dislike my current situation and that a government job along the same lines would probably feel the same and have the same regulations. At that moment I wanted to post something on Facebook for whoever was watching me saying how the seed they planted almost worked. I figured it may just be my paranoia again so I didn't post a thing. A few weeks down the road I was hoping around Facebook and I noticed this organization had an ad on the sidebar. I thought they must be getting pretty desperate if they are buying adds on Facebook...then in kicks the paranoia. What if the ad was somehow linked to my account and was intended solely for me? Who knows if any of this deserves merit. At one point I found it appealing since they have an office right in Fargo but then, just like any government organization, it may be highly unlikely I would even get that post and may be assigned where they have room instead of where I want. If there was a way to insure I end up in Fargo I may consider it if not just to satisfy my need to protect and see that justice prevails.

Broken

I am just so rough on my body. The other day I rolled both of my ankles and the right one made a popping sounds...I had a pretty sweet looking recovery roll though. People were like, "what the heck was that, some kind of ninja move?" It was pretty sweet when I was about halfway into the roll looking up at the stars by the time I realized what I was doing. I think the actor training I had is more to blame for that than the military training. I am pretty decent at those recovery rolls. Anyways, I try to push my body past injuries without actually treating them. It works more often than not. Right now my left ankle is doing fairly decent but my right one looks gnarly. I haven't seen bruises like the ones I have now for a long time. In fact, I don't remember ever seeing such nice bruises on my own self. I took a picture and will be posting it after I get home. I don't think I will be running the marathon though. March 8th is a little to close for what it seems the extent of this injury needs to heal.

My V-Day

This V-Day was very reminiscent of the Valentines we celebrated while Katrina was in Japan. We started with a video call date and worked our way to a movie. We watched "Ghost of Girlfriends Past." She used the internet and I used a copy I was given from one of the other soldiers. This year I also delivered flowers for the first time. I tried to trick her into being home during the day since I had no idea when they would deliver. They delivered around 10am. The flowers turned out very well. If I am away from home again on this holiday I may just have to use them. I knew they delivered since their delivery van hit me while I was biking on my way to work. There is a pretty funny story behind it I may share someday. All in all we make these holidays apart work. It will be great to finally celebrate them together.

Weight and Mischief

So recently I found out that I weighed only 143 pounds when I first got in and was the same height that I am now. I now weigh 165-ish and can only think about how unhealthy that must have been. Granted, I think I gained some soft spots but I also have gained more muscle. I know I ate a lot and am surprised that I had a six pack without having to try very hard. When I return home I am going to see if I can't rid myself of some of these round edges. I really wouldn't mind going back to that personal trainer at MeritCare. It was a pretty decent gym. However, I may have to change that if I go back to school since I will have access to the NDSU wellness center and pay for my gym membership through student fees.

Now for the mischief...
I started to get pretty tired of my one roommate that likes to have loud video conversations with his girlfriend at six in the morning. He wakes everyone up and then complains when people wake him up for duties during the day when everyone else is awake. I have mentioned it before to him about being quiet since people are sleeping but he didn't seem to take it into consideration. Tonight was the last straw. Around six I hear him start the conversation but then he actually walks outside. I thought he actually was starting to think about the other people in the room. Soon, he returns back to the room with the video still going and sits down with the lights on to continue talking. Apparently, he left the room because they were talking about private stuff and didn't want anyone hearing. Well, I have this management program on my computer. I was the "IT" guy in our last room. Basically I had control over the internet access. Sadly, in this room I don't have as much power without the admin password since...I am not the admin. However, I can still disrupt the signal remotely with what I do have. So I started to disrupt the signal and make Skype drop the call. I would wait for a while and let him call her back. Once he called he back and they both put a sentence in, I would disrupt the signal again. I did this for a while until he finally gave up trying to call her and she went to go work out with her roommate. So, now everyone else can sleep and even he decided to lie down for a nap. The internet here is known for being unreliable so he blamed it on a crappy signal from the source. He has no idea it was me and he will not find out. I think I may have to do this every morning that he wakes us up until he realizes that he shouldn't be messing with people's sleep since we do have designated times when we are suppose to be sleeping(2am-10am).

Warming up...again.

It has been fairly cold over here in the land of sand. Supposedly the temperature dropped down to near the 20's somewhere in Iraq during the night. I was walking around in civilian clothing wearing pants, and t-shirt, and a warm sweatshirt and still found myself crouching and shivering in the cold wind at night. Today the wind stopped, the air is a bit crisp, and the sun is doing the job of warming up the ground. It reminded me of walking on the gravel roads during the transition between winter and spring. Where the sun would be melting the snow and you can smell the moisture in the air. Beautiful. I know it will be chilly when I return but soon after it will be one of my favorite seasons of the year.

Mind

I find myself continually renewing the fascination with the human brain. Thoughts and memories are always on the forefront with me. Recently, I have been thinking about how intriguing it is that I can have such a bad memory when it comes to many things but such a vivid memory when it comes to a few things. Let us look at my education for instance. Out of the 2 years of Spanish the main thing I remember is how to tell someone when my birthday is and ask them when is theirs. I was sitting down this evening thinking about how I will always remember to always sit up erect while speaking to the bowl. My acting teacher told us this is the easiest way to relieve ourselves because the body is then in such a form that everything in the digestive track is in order and in the position to work most efficiently. I even can still remember snippets of memory surrounding a girl that I knew from early high school clear as if I were there. The memories are so vivid I can tell you the look on her face or even what she was wearing. I remember the placement of everything I carefully planned in the room that I designed in which I asked my wife to marry me in. I can remember certain numbers and code just as well. Speaking of, Will, the code I sent you was based on the date I wrote it (date was included). I used what I call an alphabetic origin. T is the origin meaning T=0. The date was January 16, 2010 or 01/16/2010. Each sentence followed the number key given by the date. First one being 0(Origin T=0, Code 0=A), next one being 1 (T=0, 1=A), and so on.

Sometimes I wish that my memory for such things could be applied to others. I wish I could remember how to swing dance, play the piano, or even how to do any of the other skills my mind found unnecessary to keep. Although, then I may not be so fascinated when I relearn something. Each time feeling like a breath has been returned to my very being. I have so many images flashing through my mind from projections I saw in college classed but some remain incomplete. I can still see images of the brain and the different diagrams from my psychology class but I can't tell you what each one was about. Someday I will unlock this door and my brain's potential will reach new heights. I am content with who I am and what is inside this menagerie. I am excited to someday meet my first child and really witness creation of the mind in all its splendor. Hopefully, my children are either half-insane as I am or double. I have not determined which would be better yet. All I know for sure is that I am going to do what I can to be there.

Moved

Yay! Finally, I am entirely moved in to our new location and can actually sleep here. The new set up and roommates I have make this whole thing reminiscent of my first year in college. It is kind of cool actually and so far no one has really bumped heads. It may be because we all are together so much when we are on the road...unlike my last roommates who seemed to make any sort of living difficult since there was always at least one person sleeping so the lights were always off. They were also in a different CET so I only saw them when they were back and most often ended having a room by myself where I could enjoy some nice solitary. Although I now room with 4 other guys instead of just 3 this arrangement definitely is more comfortable. Too bad we couldn't have started over here.

This Moment's Breath

One thing I do all too much is dwell in the past. Maybe in hopes to see something I missed or possibly just a way to look into the future. Either way, one thing I have been looking at as I float through my memories is how my choices have affected those around me. I know that if I had the courage and mental strength that I do now I would have been a dangerous kid. For example, I have always believed in protecting people and doing the right thing. Once, I found my little brother tied to a tree outside our babysitter’s place. Her older boys tied him to that tree. He thought it was fun and I found it wrong. So I untied him and told their mother about it. She scolded me for being a tattle-tale. I had no words to defend myself. I went to her because I had no courage to walk up to the boys and stand up for my brother and what is right. Had I the courage I have now, I would have confronted the boy that was a year older than I and tackled him while wrapping the rope around his neck and saying some words in defense. However, had I been that person I would have been most likely banned from that babysitter and missed out on a good friendship with the boy next door.

I view many of the choices I made as weak and cowardly. I know that if I had made different choices or even had different morals many people’s lives would be in different places now. Some of those choices I made were choices of inaction when the choice of action was the clear and better way to go. I may have had more chances at the relationships I wanted or kept some people from harm that occurred. Am I a pusher or a driver? We all have our roles and I know that the choices I made created more than just my future or my path.

At one point in my life I felt that so much happened around my actions that this world wasn’t real and that things happened around me as if a test or an experiment. I felt that the people around me weren’t real and were empty. I used to listen to the air move as each body walked by and how each form in the surrounding would alter the sound (back when my hearing was still better than average).

Now as I look back I can see the reality of choice. I can see how each person does not walk a single path but a series of paths that intersect with others around them. Paths of people they don’t even need to meet or even see. When you see this much, the world seems like a very different place. People moving about a world aimlessly or with misdirected motives while causing ripples upon ripples that the people around them make in this sea we call mankind. A single word can change a foreseen outcome. Even a breath at a different place or time can cause an intersection of paths. A single moment can cause such a large ripple that it can reach far beyond the imagination. Through it all I found that the choice in the end will be to just enjoy the moment’s breath and watch as your actions assist in forming the lives around you.

Delusions

In this desolate land full of “Yes, sir!” and “Roger that.” I am slowly coming to realizations that I have been searching for most of my life. We all ask “Who am I?” more than once in our lifetimes. I, for one, always kept that question firmly planted in my brain. I am unsure whether it was because I was searching for a purpose or just searching for a deeper understanding of myself. One thing that I am sure of is that my life from childhood up has been full of mental instability and issues. I am still working on convincing myself that most of my experiences were delusions and products of a possible chemical imbalance in my brain. It is hard to believe that a mind can fool so many of your senses all at once so well that you trust what your mind is creating as a reality.

At a very young age I saw things and felt things but most often heard things that made me terrified of the dark. I would run from room to room turning off switches at night just so I could chance to be in the light a little longer. I would hear footsteps walking around my bed when there was no one there. I heard voices occasionally. Sometimes they would be but a whisper and others clear speech. I blamed it on ghosts and spirits. I confronted them once because I was sick of running. I actually heard then trip backwards over a backpack when I took a stance at the last switch and said that I was not afraid of them anymore. Through my mind I could see them fall as the noise happened. It is hard to explain something like that.

It was almost impossible to complete my first ACT test because throughout the whole test I could hear hundreds of whispers all around me and one female whisper louder than the rest. Looking around the room I found not a single mouth moving. The female whisper was familiar to me…maybe she was the same one from the house. I thought I heard the last of her when she was attacked in the hallway while I was in the shower. I was home alone. I heard her scream “Jus..!” and then a loud bang in the hallway just outside the bathroom door. That night is the first time I heard the male voice. He spoke from the direction of the window next to my bed. Basically, he told me that if I ever wanted to see her again I was going to have to follow him. His voice was low and harsh. There was something inherently evil about it. I felt like he was punishing us for crossing worlds we were not meant to cross. I heard her often and sometimes would answer back. However, there was nothing I could do since I knew not how to follow or where to go.

I believe that the next time I met her I became the victim. She came through the darkness through the wall like a banshee. I still remember the sight. She said “he is mine” as she came at me. I awoke yet could not breathe and could not move. It was as if she was pulling at my very life. All I could think was to reach over to the girl next to me and squeeze her name from my throat. As I touched my fingers to hers and forced her name through my throat it was as if I was released. That was pretty late in my life and by then often thought if something had happened that I would be strong enough where I didn’t need help. It was then I realized that even a protector needs protection.

Rewind it back to much younger again. As early as elementary school I grew this idea that I had some sway with the elements. More specifically, I believed I could call precipitation and alter fire. From the choir balcony at church I would manipulate the flames on the candles of the altar during service. Eventually, I had a run-in with electricity and then lighting was added to the delusion. I also played tag with dust devils at my grandparent’s house and danced around in the eye of a large dust devil that formed out in the field. I still remember the corn husks and dirt circling me as I spun in the opposite direction as if to play with the wind. I am still trying to convince myself all that I felt and saw with my childhood and adult experiences was a delusion. My memories either fade into dreams or my reality has been skewed my entire life. The thing that makes it harder to convince myself is that some of the experiences were shared. I was not alone in the sight and feelings in many instances. It could have been a flash of light in a dark boiler room at a community play or a storm front met with smiles and laughter. These shared experiences were all at different ages and different points in my life.

One thing most will remember is “Psycho Siegert.” I figure that it all started with a fateful race around the gym in 3rd grade. I was one of the better runners and, much as I am now, very competitive. As we reached one of the corners one my male classmates figured he would cheat to get ahead. He elbowed me and knocked me over. From that day on I ended my friendship with 99% of any boys in my class. I had two girls that called me friend and I stuck with them through the rest of elementary. We were known as the troublesome trio. Once we hit high school friendships changed in a hurry. I lost my two best friends and felt pretty much alone. I had no humor and was weak. There were a few boys that started to bully me and this is where the next self-determined mental issue started. One incident that sticks out clearly in my memory occurred in the hallway in between classed. I was putting some books into my locker when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around just to see a kid swing his fist towards my stomach. Just as it almost hit me it was as if time stopped. I saw his fist slow down to a stop and as I looked back up to him I was pushed back. It was like watching my body react through a movie theater. I could see the dark edges of the room around the light screen. I watched as my arms flung out and threw him against the lockers on the other side. I was so scared of myself. It wasn’t the first occurrence and I feared every time it happened. I was so scared that I would actually start to cry once I came back to myself. I believed that one of my guardian angels stepped in to protect me until I could learn to protect myself. Some of the instances I don’t remember what happened and just black out while my body does the work. Whether it was schizophrenia or something else I am not sure to this day. What I am sure of is that whatever was happening ended up saving my life more than once and I am thankful. That boulder I saw coming towards my face could have hit my head, that semi could have t-boned me, or that scaffolding could have actually crushed me as it collapsed on top of me. Many other instances could have ended my life or seriously injured me but because of my bodies actions during blackouts I survived.

I know this world is full of “coincidences” and I have had more than I share of them. I have kept most of these experiences and secret. Many of these occurrences were not even known to my parents, until now. It is hard for me to dismiss my memories as fiction if only because of how real it all seemed at the time. I know they weren’t dreams because even my dreams were occasionally a fault for my madness. I knew full well the meaning of Déjà Vu beginning in elementary. Only when I relived what I saw in dreams I could not help but just watch as it all happened to see if my non-involvement would change the course of events. On top of this all I started to become paranoid. One of my dreams included a van parked on the road monitoring me. Soon after that I saw a van quite similar to the dream parked within viewing distance of our house. Then I was kicked from an all text game when my account apparently logged in over 1,000 times within seconds. I figured it was them tracking me to see what I was doing. Truth be told, my paranoia was the reason I joined the military in the first place. I figured that they would not see me as a threat if joined the ranks. When asked, “Why did you join” I most often found comfort in the lie of saying I joined just for the school benefits.

Boy, if you read this far, congratulation. You now know some of my most intimate secrets. Many yet remain hidden. Some layers I have yet to decipher. One thing I have always found fascinating is how everything in the world works. This fascination includes my own mind. The human brain is amazing in its capabilities. It can destroy and it can create. The brain is more than just a few random synapses firing to sustain a life form. We, as the human race, have so much to realize about ourselves yet.

Do you know who and why you are?

"To be one's self, and unafraid whether right or wrong, is more admirable than the easy cowardice of surrender to conformity."
--Irving Wallace--

Delusions

In this desolate land full of “Yes, sir!” and “Roger that.” I am slowly coming to realizations that I have been searching for most of my life. We all ask “Who am I?” more than once in our lifetimes. I, for one, always kept that question firmly planted in my brain. I am unsure whether it was because I was searching for a purpose or just searching for a deeper understanding of myself. One thing that I am sure of is that my life from childhood up has been full of mental instability and issues. I am still working on convincing myself that most of my experiences were delusions and products of a possible chemical imbalance in my brain. It is hard to believe that a mind can fool so many of your senses all at once so well that you trust what your mind is creating as a reality.

At a very young age I saw things and felt things but most often heard things that made me terrified of the dark. I would run from room to room turning off switches at night just so I could chance to be in the light a little longer. I would hear footsteps walking around my bed when there was no one there. I heard voices occasionally. Sometimes they would be but a whisper and others clear speech. I blamed it on ghosts and spirits. I confronted them once because I was sick of running. I actually heard then trip backwards over a backpack when I took a stance at the last switch and said that I was not afraid of them anymore. Through my mind I could see them fall as the noise happened. It is hard to explain something like that.

It was almost impossible to complete my first ACT test because throughout the whole test I could hear hundreds of whispers all around me and one female whisper louder than the rest. Looking around the room I found not a single mouth moving. The female whisper was familiar to me…maybe she was the same one from the house. I thought I heard the last of her when she was attacked in the hallway while I was in the shower. I was home alone. I heard her scream “Jus..!” and then a loud bang in the hallway just outside the bathroom door. That night is the first time I heard the male voice. He spoke from the direction of the window next to my bed. Basically, he told me that if I ever wanted to see her again I was going to have to follow him. His voice was low and harsh. There was something inherently evil about it. I felt like he was punishing us for crossing worlds we were not meant to cross. I heard her often and sometimes would answer back. However, there was nothing I could do since I knew not how to follow or where to go.

I believe that the next time I met her I became the victim. She came through the darkness through the wall like a banshee. I still remember the sight. She said “he is mine” as she came at me. I awoke yet could not breathe and could not move. It was as if she was pulling at my very life. All I could think was to reach over to the girl next to me and squeeze her name from my throat. As I touched my fingers to hers and forced her name through my throat it was as if I was released. That was pretty late in my life and by then often thought if something had happened that I would be strong enough where I didn’t need help. It was then I realized that even a protector needs protection.

Rewind it back to much younger again. As early as elementary school I grew this idea that I had some sway with the elements. More specifically, I believed I could call precipitation and alter fire. From the choir balcony at church I would manipulate the flames on the candles of the altar during service. Eventually, I had a run-in with electricity and then lighting was added to the delusion. I also played tag with dust devils at my grandparent’s house and danced around in the eye of a large dust devil that formed out in the field. I still remember the corn husks and dirt circling me as I spun in the opposite direction as if to play with the wind. I am still trying to convince myself all that I felt and saw with my childhood and adult experiences was a delusion. My memories either fade into dreams or my reality has been skewed my entire life. The thing that makes it harder to convince myself is that some of the experiences were shared. I was not alone in the sight and feelings in many instances. It could have been a flash of light in a dark boiler room at a community play or a storm front met with smiles and laughter. These shared experiences were all at different ages and different points in my life.

One thing most will remember is “Psycho Siegert.” I figure that it all started with a fateful race around the gym in 3rd grade. I was one of the better runners and, much as I am now, very competitive. As we reached one of the corners one my male classmates figured he would cheat to get ahead. He elbowed me and knocked me over. From that day on I ended my friendship with 99% of any boys in my class. I had two girls that called me friend and I stuck with them through the rest of elementary. We were known as the troublesome trio. Once we hit high school friendships changed in a hurry. I lost my two best friends and felt pretty much alone. I had no humor and was weak. There were a few boys that started to bully me and this is where the next self-determined mental issue started. One incident that sticks out clearly in my memory occurred in the hallway in between classed. I was putting some books into my locker when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around just to see a kid swing his fist towards my stomach. Just as it almost hit me it was as if time stopped. I saw his fist slow down to a stop and as I looked back up to him I was pushed back. It was like watching my body react through a movie theater. I could see the dark edges of the room around the light screen. I watched as my arms flung out and threw him against the lockers on the other side. I was so scared of myself. It wasn’t the first occurrence and I feared every time it happened. I was so scared that I would actually start to cry once I came back to myself. I believed that one of my guardian angels stepped in to protect me until I could learn to protect myself. Some of the instances I don’t remember what happened and just black out while my body does the work. Whether it was schizophrenia or something else I am not sure to this day. What I am sure of is that whatever was happening ended up saving my life more than once and I am thankful. That boulder I saw coming towards my face could have hit my head, that semi could have t-boned me, or that scaffolding could have actually crushed me as it collapsed on top of me. Many other instances could have ended my life or seriously injured me but because of my bodies actions during blackouts I survived.

I know this world is full of “coincidences” and I have had more than I share of them. I have kept most of these experiences and secret. Many of these occurrences were not even known to my parents, until now. It is hard for me to dismiss my memories as fiction if only because of how real it all seemed at the time. I know they weren’t dreams because even my dreams were occasionally a fault for my madness. I knew full well the meaning of Déjà Vu beginning in elementary. Only when I relived what I saw in dreams I could not help but just watch as it all happened to see if my non-involvement would change the course of events. On top of this all I started to become paranoid. One of my dreams included a van parked on the road monitoring me. Soon after that I saw a van quite similar to the dream parked within viewing distance of our house. Then I was kicked from an all text game when my account apparently logged in over 1,000 times within seconds. I figured it was them tracking me to see what I was doing. Truth be told, my paranoia was the reason I joined the military in the first place. I figured that they would not see me as a threat if joined the ranks. When asked, “Why did you join” I most often found comfort in the lie of saying I joined just for the school benefits.

Boy, if you read this far, congratulation. You now know some of my most intimate secrets. Many yet remain hidden. Some layers I have yet to decipher. One thing I have always found fascinating is how everything in the world works. This fascination includes my own mind. The human brain is amazing in its capabilities. It can destroy and it can create. The brain is more than just a few random synapses firing to sustain a life form. We, as the human race, have so much to realize about ourselves yet.

Do you know who and why you are?

"To be one's self, and unafraid whether right or wrong, is more admirable than the easy cowardice of surrender to conformity."
--Irving Wallace--