Delusions

In this desolate land full of “Yes, sir!” and “Roger that.” I am slowly coming to realizations that I have been searching for most of my life. We all ask “Who am I?” more than once in our lifetimes. I, for one, always kept that question firmly planted in my brain. I am unsure whether it was because I was searching for a purpose or just searching for a deeper understanding of myself. One thing that I am sure of is that my life from childhood up has been full of mental instability and issues. I am still working on convincing myself that most of my experiences were delusions and products of a possible chemical imbalance in my brain. It is hard to believe that a mind can fool so many of your senses all at once so well that you trust what your mind is creating as a reality.

At a very young age I saw things and felt things but most often heard things that made me terrified of the dark. I would run from room to room turning off switches at night just so I could chance to be in the light a little longer. I would hear footsteps walking around my bed when there was no one there. I heard voices occasionally. Sometimes they would be but a whisper and others clear speech. I blamed it on ghosts and spirits. I confronted them once because I was sick of running. I actually heard then trip backwards over a backpack when I took a stance at the last switch and said that I was not afraid of them anymore. Through my mind I could see them fall as the noise happened. It is hard to explain something like that.

It was almost impossible to complete my first ACT test because throughout the whole test I could hear hundreds of whispers all around me and one female whisper louder than the rest. Looking around the room I found not a single mouth moving. The female whisper was familiar to me…maybe she was the same one from the house. I thought I heard the last of her when she was attacked in the hallway while I was in the shower. I was home alone. I heard her scream “Jus..!” and then a loud bang in the hallway just outside the bathroom door. That night is the first time I heard the male voice. He spoke from the direction of the window next to my bed. Basically, he told me that if I ever wanted to see her again I was going to have to follow him. His voice was low and harsh. There was something inherently evil about it. I felt like he was punishing us for crossing worlds we were not meant to cross. I heard her often and sometimes would answer back. However, there was nothing I could do since I knew not how to follow or where to go.

I believe that the next time I met her I became the victim. She came through the darkness through the wall like a banshee. I still remember the sight. She said “he is mine” as she came at me. I awoke yet could not breathe and could not move. It was as if she was pulling at my very life. All I could think was to reach over to the girl next to me and squeeze her name from my throat. As I touched my fingers to hers and forced her name through my throat it was as if I was released. That was pretty late in my life and by then often thought if something had happened that I would be strong enough where I didn’t need help. It was then I realized that even a protector needs protection.

Rewind it back to much younger again. As early as elementary school I grew this idea that I had some sway with the elements. More specifically, I believed I could call precipitation and alter fire. From the choir balcony at church I would manipulate the flames on the candles of the altar during service. Eventually, I had a run-in with electricity and then lighting was added to the delusion. I also played tag with dust devils at my grandparent’s house and danced around in the eye of a large dust devil that formed out in the field. I still remember the corn husks and dirt circling me as I spun in the opposite direction as if to play with the wind. I am still trying to convince myself all that I felt and saw with my childhood and adult experiences was a delusion. My memories either fade into dreams or my reality has been skewed my entire life. The thing that makes it harder to convince myself is that some of the experiences were shared. I was not alone in the sight and feelings in many instances. It could have been a flash of light in a dark boiler room at a community play or a storm front met with smiles and laughter. These shared experiences were all at different ages and different points in my life.

One thing most will remember is “Psycho Siegert.” I figure that it all started with a fateful race around the gym in 3rd grade. I was one of the better runners and, much as I am now, very competitive. As we reached one of the corners one my male classmates figured he would cheat to get ahead. He elbowed me and knocked me over. From that day on I ended my friendship with 99% of any boys in my class. I had two girls that called me friend and I stuck with them through the rest of elementary. We were known as the troublesome trio. Once we hit high school friendships changed in a hurry. I lost my two best friends and felt pretty much alone. I had no humor and was weak. There were a few boys that started to bully me and this is where the next self-determined mental issue started. One incident that sticks out clearly in my memory occurred in the hallway in between classed. I was putting some books into my locker when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around just to see a kid swing his fist towards my stomach. Just as it almost hit me it was as if time stopped. I saw his fist slow down to a stop and as I looked back up to him I was pushed back. It was like watching my body react through a movie theater. I could see the dark edges of the room around the light screen. I watched as my arms flung out and threw him against the lockers on the other side. I was so scared of myself. It wasn’t the first occurrence and I feared every time it happened. I was so scared that I would actually start to cry once I came back to myself. I believed that one of my guardian angels stepped in to protect me until I could learn to protect myself. Some of the instances I don’t remember what happened and just black out while my body does the work. Whether it was schizophrenia or something else I am not sure to this day. What I am sure of is that whatever was happening ended up saving my life more than once and I am thankful. That boulder I saw coming towards my face could have hit my head, that semi could have t-boned me, or that scaffolding could have actually crushed me as it collapsed on top of me. Many other instances could have ended my life or seriously injured me but because of my bodies actions during blackouts I survived.

I know this world is full of “coincidences” and I have had more than I share of them. I have kept most of these experiences and secret. Many of these occurrences were not even known to my parents, until now. It is hard for me to dismiss my memories as fiction if only because of how real it all seemed at the time. I know they weren’t dreams because even my dreams were occasionally a fault for my madness. I knew full well the meaning of Déjà Vu beginning in elementary. Only when I relived what I saw in dreams I could not help but just watch as it all happened to see if my non-involvement would change the course of events. On top of this all I started to become paranoid. One of my dreams included a van parked on the road monitoring me. Soon after that I saw a van quite similar to the dream parked within viewing distance of our house. Then I was kicked from an all text game when my account apparently logged in over 1,000 times within seconds. I figured it was them tracking me to see what I was doing. Truth be told, my paranoia was the reason I joined the military in the first place. I figured that they would not see me as a threat if joined the ranks. When asked, “Why did you join” I most often found comfort in the lie of saying I joined just for the school benefits.

Boy, if you read this far, congratulation. You now know some of my most intimate secrets. Many yet remain hidden. Some layers I have yet to decipher. One thing I have always found fascinating is how everything in the world works. This fascination includes my own mind. The human brain is amazing in its capabilities. It can destroy and it can create. The brain is more than just a few random synapses firing to sustain a life form. We, as the human race, have so much to realize about ourselves yet.

Do you know who and why you are?

"To be one's self, and unafraid whether right or wrong, is more admirable than the easy cowardice of surrender to conformity."
--Irving Wallace--