Back Thee Foul Demon

Maybe that reason I throttle myself before going too far into success is that I have a sort of ego related dialectic.

On one hand, I do not like hearing many people telling me I am good at something especially when expressed around the same time.  It may be my way of fighting back the possibility of a growing ego.  Also, I never really enjoyed a lot of attention or praise for doing good deeds or just doing something well in general; which may have also been a product of my shyness.

On the other hand, if I do something well, put in an honest effort, and fail to receive recognition I feel slightly depressed.  It is as if I perceive it as being ignored or placed at just reaching average.  Only a few people speaking up about the accomplishment is all that I long for.  This is especially true if the few are close relationship-wise.  It may be the same way I carry my friendships.  A close few is far better than unfamiliar masses.

This is a pretty crazy dialectic since the first way pushes against the ego where the second way clings tightly to the ego.  If I push my ego down do I push myself with it?  Is there some sort of humble ego that can rise or is that an oxymoron and no such thing can exist?

Funny Story:
More often than not when I am praised by someone for doing well at something I soon find myself unconsciously making a mistake as a way to show that I am not as good as they think.